I was thinking about reasoning this morning. There is a reason for everything because God has a plan for the path you are leading.
I was thinking of negative things that have impacted my life. I don't want to say "Why me?" because that brings to mind "Why not me?" What would make me immune to bad things happening? Nothing. It was all part of the plan. Now the thing is to try to accept and see why these things happened to me. What the reasoning could have been and try to see positivity in the aftermath. I think I've managed to do that.
Growing up in a household where I had difficulty feeling comfortable, fully accepted and welcome, and loved was difficult for me. Having my father speak to me in the way he did. Calling me fatass, sack of shit, animal, etc. was hard on me. What kind of positivity do I think came from this?
I am a kind person. I don't treat others that way because I know how horrible it feels to have that on the receiving end. I have compassion for those who have endured the same practices. I know in my heart my children will never have to feel any of those emotions and will never have to have the same doubt and sadness that I've always had.
Being raped. That horrible experience of violation, betrayal, fear, and disgust. What could possibly come of that in a positive light? I battled with that question for a few years now. This is what I've come up with.
After my rape and after I began talking about it I started talking to other rape victims. Helping them with my words when I could. Being an ear to them when they just needed to talk. Talking about it personally has made it easier than hiding it. Talking about it gets it out and allows me to have more room inside of me for positive things. Hiding it was harder than talking about it. Hiding it made me feel like I should be ashamed of what happened. I had no fault in my rape. Talking about it allowed me to place the blame on the person who did it. Where it belongs. That was a very freeing moment when I could allow myself to understand that I had nothing to do with what happened to me. I do have a choice as to what I do with it. I have a choice as to how I let it affect me in the future. I have the choice to throw it away and try to forget about it. I also have the choice to help others when I can with what I have learned.
My wedding being called off last year was another big thing in my life. A huge humiliation. A massive betrayal and struggle that has left me very cautious about who I trust and who I allow into my life these days. Self preservation has taken the forefront of things after all of these instances.
I will tell you exactly what positivity came from my wedding being cancelled. I didn't marry a thief. I didn't marry a cheater. I didn't get locked into a family that didn't hold the same moral standard that I do. I didn't get stuck with a man who had no interests, no passion, no drive.
The biggest thing that I was given through that is finding Nathan. My daddy. I will now be marrying a man who has everything he didn't. Who makes me want to be a better person. Who makes me wake up every morning with a smile on my face. Who brings me to tears with his words not because of meanness but because he makes me feel like I'm worth something again. He makes me feel beautiful and desired. He has reinforced my faith and I will be forever thankful to him for that. He offers me the life I have always dreamed of.
That is what I have been given.
It's been a long road with major hurdles along the way but I am a loving, compassionate, caring, intelligent and beautiful person for what I have gone through and I feel blessed to have come out on the other side with positive gains.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Life is Moving Forward
I really want to get back into the habit of blogging at least every other day or so. That's my goal and intention.
So since May I have been dating a man named Nathan. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. He's sweet and honest and trustworthy and supportive and understanding. He's strong in his faith. He works hard and has excellent morals that he sticks to rather than simply talking about them. He gives me a pride in knowing that he is mine and that I'm his.
I did meet him on my lifestyle page. He's a daddy. Scratch that. He's MY daddy. He completes me in that area of my life as well.
I've never been happier in any time that I can recall nor have I ever been more sure of anything in my life that he is the one I want to be with forever.
We are planning our wedding. Yes, I know most of you will say "Whoa Whoa Whoa, isn't that fast?!" well, perhaps it is. Planning does not mean it's going to be tomorrow though.
We are also looking at houses and may have found 2-3 that we really like and are curious to see in person and have a walk through and showing. We've discussed things about living arrangements. I'm not sure if I will be living in our marital home alone prior to the wedding or not but it's a possibility that will be the case. I don't mind it too much. I pretty much lived alone for a while but I was never "really" alone. It's going to be interesting. I'm 26 now. I should be able to handle living in my own house.
I've been getting back to building a stronger relationship with my faith and allowing it to become a bigger part of my life. I have struggled in the past with having some doubt but that is no longer the case. I've even found a church that seems like each service is taken from my life. It's always so comfortable but yet so eloquent. I'm finding strength in Jesus.
Church this morning hit me hard.
The service was about creating a new self. Everyone wants to have a new them. It leads me to thoughts of my eating disorder days where all I wanted was to be anyone but me, to look any other way but how I did, to feel any other way than the deep dark emotional roller coaster trip I was on. I wanted to be someone else. I tried so many things that did damage to me. I made myself physically ill. I weakened my body and my mind during that time. I was so focused on the physical aspects of my unhappiness: guilt, shame, embarrassment, lack of self esteem and worth, that I didn't look deeper into what was bringing those feelings to surface. Looking inward and finding those triggers that made me feel like I was unworthy, or finding what made me feel like I should be ashamed or had something to feel guilty about would have been more helpful.
The pastor said that allowing Jesus into our hearts, into our lives and living the way that we should be living in accordance with his word and the gospel can give you a new life. It can make you new.
A big point he made was that someone could lose everything. Their world could fall apart at the seams and turn completely around and leave them desolate but looking to see where God is leading you, where you are being directed, what you are being directed to or away from is vital. Allowing God to lead you into the next stage and lead you into the new direction and the new situation and the new life is all you need to do to be able to be given the new you. Your new self is not something that is going to happen on your own. It's a gift, a way of life and a beautiful transformation that God gives to us. He has a plan. There is always a plan. We can't see it. We struggle through hardship after hardship and loss and pain and we wonder why is God doing this to me? Why am I being punished? It's to strengthen you, to lead you away from the dangers and misfortune that could be lurking in the path that you were on. He is leading you to a new light, a new way of life and accepting that is the first step on the path to happiness, holiness and joy.
It's important to remember that God loves you. He is your father. The way your biological father loves you- that is the way that God loves you. He wants what is best for you, wants you to succeed, wants you to make the right choices. When you make a mistake or you stray from the path he has given he does not look down on you with anger or hatred. He loves you. He is there to guide you back to the path. To be the light at the end of the tunnel. When you sin he does not hate you. He loves you, he knows that the sins are weaknesses to humanity. They happen to everyone. Each of us is a sinner in one way or another. We all have our faults. What saves us is God's forgiveness. Allowing ourselves to be weak and human, Allowing ourselves to be strong enough to say "Yes God! I have sinned.... and I'm sorry. Please forgive me for what I have done" There is strength in those who can admit to their issues and mistakes as well as ask forgiveness for their trespasses.
My new life has begun.
I have been given a gift. God has led me to a man of strength, faith, family, and one who is full of love for me. Someone who has brought my faith to a stronger point than it's ever been before. I'm grateful. I'm thankful. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. He is my rock, my leader, my friend, my strength, my daddy, and the man of my dreams. God gave him to me. As proof of his love for me. As reassurance that all is not lost. That love exists. That there are people in the world that will pull you up and bring you to the light when you have fallen so far down you forget what it looks like.
My life is changing. I am evolving. I am beautiful in God's eyes. And in the eyes of my Daddy.
So since May I have been dating a man named Nathan. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. He's sweet and honest and trustworthy and supportive and understanding. He's strong in his faith. He works hard and has excellent morals that he sticks to rather than simply talking about them. He gives me a pride in knowing that he is mine and that I'm his.
I did meet him on my lifestyle page. He's a daddy. Scratch that. He's MY daddy. He completes me in that area of my life as well.
I've never been happier in any time that I can recall nor have I ever been more sure of anything in my life that he is the one I want to be with forever.
We are planning our wedding. Yes, I know most of you will say "Whoa Whoa Whoa, isn't that fast?!" well, perhaps it is. Planning does not mean it's going to be tomorrow though.
We are also looking at houses and may have found 2-3 that we really like and are curious to see in person and have a walk through and showing. We've discussed things about living arrangements. I'm not sure if I will be living in our marital home alone prior to the wedding or not but it's a possibility that will be the case. I don't mind it too much. I pretty much lived alone for a while but I was never "really" alone. It's going to be interesting. I'm 26 now. I should be able to handle living in my own house.
I've been getting back to building a stronger relationship with my faith and allowing it to become a bigger part of my life. I have struggled in the past with having some doubt but that is no longer the case. I've even found a church that seems like each service is taken from my life. It's always so comfortable but yet so eloquent. I'm finding strength in Jesus.
Church this morning hit me hard.
The service was about creating a new self. Everyone wants to have a new them. It leads me to thoughts of my eating disorder days where all I wanted was to be anyone but me, to look any other way but how I did, to feel any other way than the deep dark emotional roller coaster trip I was on. I wanted to be someone else. I tried so many things that did damage to me. I made myself physically ill. I weakened my body and my mind during that time. I was so focused on the physical aspects of my unhappiness: guilt, shame, embarrassment, lack of self esteem and worth, that I didn't look deeper into what was bringing those feelings to surface. Looking inward and finding those triggers that made me feel like I was unworthy, or finding what made me feel like I should be ashamed or had something to feel guilty about would have been more helpful.
The pastor said that allowing Jesus into our hearts, into our lives and living the way that we should be living in accordance with his word and the gospel can give you a new life. It can make you new.
A big point he made was that someone could lose everything. Their world could fall apart at the seams and turn completely around and leave them desolate but looking to see where God is leading you, where you are being directed, what you are being directed to or away from is vital. Allowing God to lead you into the next stage and lead you into the new direction and the new situation and the new life is all you need to do to be able to be given the new you. Your new self is not something that is going to happen on your own. It's a gift, a way of life and a beautiful transformation that God gives to us. He has a plan. There is always a plan. We can't see it. We struggle through hardship after hardship and loss and pain and we wonder why is God doing this to me? Why am I being punished? It's to strengthen you, to lead you away from the dangers and misfortune that could be lurking in the path that you were on. He is leading you to a new light, a new way of life and accepting that is the first step on the path to happiness, holiness and joy.
It's important to remember that God loves you. He is your father. The way your biological father loves you- that is the way that God loves you. He wants what is best for you, wants you to succeed, wants you to make the right choices. When you make a mistake or you stray from the path he has given he does not look down on you with anger or hatred. He loves you. He is there to guide you back to the path. To be the light at the end of the tunnel. When you sin he does not hate you. He loves you, he knows that the sins are weaknesses to humanity. They happen to everyone. Each of us is a sinner in one way or another. We all have our faults. What saves us is God's forgiveness. Allowing ourselves to be weak and human, Allowing ourselves to be strong enough to say "Yes God! I have sinned.... and I'm sorry. Please forgive me for what I have done" There is strength in those who can admit to their issues and mistakes as well as ask forgiveness for their trespasses.
My new life has begun.
I have been given a gift. God has led me to a man of strength, faith, family, and one who is full of love for me. Someone who has brought my faith to a stronger point than it's ever been before. I'm grateful. I'm thankful. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. He is my rock, my leader, my friend, my strength, my daddy, and the man of my dreams. God gave him to me. As proof of his love for me. As reassurance that all is not lost. That love exists. That there are people in the world that will pull you up and bring you to the light when you have fallen so far down you forget what it looks like.
My life is changing. I am evolving. I am beautiful in God's eyes. And in the eyes of my Daddy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)