Thoughts on Reasoning

I was thinking about reasoning this morning. There is a reason for everything because God has a plan for the path you are leading.

I was thinking of negative things that have impacted my life. I don't want to say "Why me?" because that brings to mind "Why not me?" What would make me immune to bad things happening? Nothing. It was all part of the plan. Now the thing is to try to accept and see why these things happened to me. What the reasoning could have been and try to see positivity in the aftermath. I think I've managed to do that.

Growing up in a household where I had difficulty feeling comfortable, fully accepted and welcome, and loved was difficult for me. Having my father speak to me in the way he did. Calling me fatass, sack of shit, animal, etc. was hard on me. What kind of positivity do I think came from this?
I am a kind person. I don't treat others that way because I know how horrible it feels to have that on the receiving end. I have compassion for those who have endured the same practices. I know in my heart my children will never have to feel any of those emotions and will never have to have the same doubt and sadness that I've always had.

Being raped. That horrible experience of violation, betrayal, fear, and disgust. What could possibly come of that in a positive light? I battled with that question for a few years now. This is what I've come up with.

After my rape and after I began talking about it I started talking to other rape victims. Helping them with my words when I could. Being an ear to them when they just needed to talk. Talking about it personally has made it easier than hiding it. Talking about it gets it out and allows me to have more room inside of me for positive things. Hiding it was harder than talking about it. Hiding it made me feel like I should be ashamed of what happened. I had no fault in my rape. Talking about it allowed me to place the blame on the person who did it. Where it belongs. That was a very freeing moment when I could allow myself to understand that I had nothing to do with what happened to me. I do have a choice as to what I do with it. I have a choice as to how I let it affect me in the future. I have the choice to throw it away and try to forget about it. I also have the choice to help others when I can with what I have learned.

My wedding being called off last year was another big thing in my life. A huge humiliation. A massive betrayal and struggle that has left me very cautious about who I trust and who I allow into my life these days. Self preservation has taken the forefront of things after all of these instances.

I will tell you exactly what positivity came from my wedding being cancelled. I didn't marry a thief. I didn't marry a cheater. I didn't get locked into a family that didn't hold the same moral standard that I do. I didn't get stuck with a man who had no interests, no passion, no drive.

The biggest thing that I was given through that is finding Nathan. My daddy. I will now be marrying a man who has everything he didn't. Who makes me want to be a better person. Who makes me wake up every morning with a smile on my face. Who brings me to tears with his words not because of meanness but because he makes me feel like I'm worth something again. He makes me feel beautiful and desired. He has reinforced my faith and I will be forever thankful to him for that. He offers me the life I have always dreamed of.

That is what I have been given.

It's been a long road with major hurdles along the way but I am a loving, compassionate, caring, intelligent and beautiful person for what I have gone through and I feel blessed to have come out on the other side with positive gains.