August Changes

The month of August should be interesting and I'm going to be pushing myself to higher and higher levels of fitness and happiness.
Tomorrow starts a step challenge with a group of ladies I met online. We all put in 5 dollars and whoever has the most steps by the end of the month will win all of the money (right now its about 25 dollars... but hey its motivation!). I also start a weight loss challenge with a group on mfp. We all paid 10 dollars (big money people) and whoever loses the most amount of weight will win all of the money (140 dollars). My fiance and I are both in this challenge and I'm hoping one of us will win.. of course I hope its me... but I also hope he wins too for him. My third challenge of the month is that I've joined Row the World on mfp again. Last time I was full swing in a bulimia cycle and was burning off every calorie I put in my mouth and more. I'm not currently and I'm hoping that although my burns are not as high that I will still be valued by my team.

I really want to prove myself and prove to myself that I CAN do it. Lately, it's been difficult to feel like it's even possible. I'm trying to keep positive.

Well, stress went up a bit. My wedding date moved from Sept. 21st 2013 to June 15th 2013. It's only a few months change but that is a few less months to plan and prepare and of course... to lose weight. I refuse. Flat out REFUSE to be an OBESE and JIGGLING BRIDE. no way in hell is that going to happen.
So here is the plan- I will be down over 100 pounds by the wedding. If I don't keep on track with my goals I will be punished. The end of that.

Bright side!

Today I found out that my work has been chosen for publication and will be published next month. I am beyond excited as this is the first time since college that I've been published and it makes me feel proud. Proud is something I don't get to be too often and it's something I cherish. I want to make it a big deal but then I don't want to make it look pathetic. All I can say is that I'm excited about it, proud of myself and thankful to have found someone who appreciates something that came from my heart.

Also, I will be getting married in my grandmothers church. It was important to me to start my married life there because growing up I always imagined she would be there with me. She passed several years ago and although I know being married in her church won't change anything it's sort of my way of having her close to me. It's going to be about 750 dollars to have the wedding ceremony there. 170 for the reception hall, 300 for the cake, 400 for food, 400 for my dress, 200 for tux, about 200 for decorations, 100 for invitations, 30 for stamps, the fee for our license, 150 for bridal accessories (guest book, card holders, flower girl basket, ring pillow, etc). And I'm praying we can afford it some how.

Mikes sister is also getting married- but after us, and everyone is so obsessed with her wedding that no one is taking notice or helping with ours. I have to say I'm a little jealous. They are all paying for her wedding and helping her plan while we are on our own both financially and planning wise. My mother and father are planning to help as much as they can but with my father being laid off for nearly 3 years now it's not looking like they will be able to help much and I completely understand that. I'm just stressed.

Today we had our cake tasting which involved me eating german chocolate cake, white cake with strawberry filling and lemon cake with lemon filling. OINK but it fit in my calories for the day... because I made it and I walked for over an hour.

Shooting for 10,000 or more steps daily. EVERY DAY.

Calories from Hell

Dramatic as the title sounds- it's true!
I can't figure out the way to balance my calories. It should be as easy as creating a deficit and losing weight. But, sadly that is no where near the case.

Last year my doctor told me I needed to be on 1200 calories per day, no more no less. Well, right now I'm having difficulty sticking to that. I use a calorie counting fitness site (http://www.myfitnesspal.com/) and their reccomendation for someone my height and weight is to have an intake of 2150. The space between the two is what is causing me so much unease. I don't know which to follow. Everyone keeps telling me that 1200 is too low (I generally also burn around 500-800 calories) and my doctor does not want me to eat back my calories.

Part of me is like yes! a reason to eat less!

The other part is like "I can't possibly get back down to eating that small of an amount.

Currently I'm getting between 1000-2400 calories a day. On higher calorie days its most likely that I binged or made very bad choices (the fiance and I keep hitting up the fast food places). I'm so stuck and I can't keep doing this. I'm ready to just break down and I don't know what will happen when I do.

Re-evaluation

So the emergency room said that my mother needs to see her family doctor within the next few days. She had her first appointment yesterday and they went through all the symptoms and what has been going on lately and they don't agree with the emergency room doctors. Frankly, I didn't agree with the theory that stress was shutting down her body to release either.

Our doctor said that there is no doubt in her mind that my mother is having seizures. The emergency room said that she probably wasn't and it sounded like thats just what happens when people pass out. When people pass out I think of them as going limp not as stiffening up and jerking or rocking.

Friday afternoon she is going back to the doctor and they are doing and EEG and a mammogram. I don't know if the mammogram is related or not or perhaps it was just time to do another one. So that's the update on my mom for now.

Dieting::
Yesterday I barely broke 1000 calories. I didn't mean for this to happen really. I had 4 eggs with a little cheese and ketchup for breakfast. A chicken salad sandwich and mixed vegetables at work and a cup of hamburger helper lasagna when I got home. I even had a can of mt. dew (empty calories) to try to bring it up a little more. After logging my walking ( I don't log any other physical activity and I've been very active lately) I barely had 300 net calories.

Today I don't know what the plan is aside from dinner- For dinner I'm making mashed potatoes and peppercorn pork loin and corn or peas. Its 12:30 and I haven't eaten anything yet. I'll grab something before I head to the grocery store though. I don't go into work today until 6pm. Only 4 hours today. Shrug. I get to see mike today so I guess its not too bad.

Emergency Visit

Today was a hard day in a lot of aspects. I woke up this morning and was depressed over money and student loans and the fear of not being able to make my payments and what would happen if I couldn't do that. I was talking to my mom (my go to person in real life when I need to complain and unload). I was talking about loans and money and how I'm going to live and die poor. She put her head down on the desk in a dramatic way and I was like oh yeah... I know I'm ridiculous right?

Well, she wasn't being dramatic. She had passed out and moments later she rose up with her back arched and she was snorting and gasping ( a sign that the heart is not pumping enough blood to allow the lungs to function properly) and began seizing. I grabbed her so she wouldn't fall to the floor and tried to snap her out of it. Normally these episodes are brief, lasting between 30 seconds and a minute. This one was over ten minutes long. Ten minutes of holding my mother while she stared into space and seized and couldn't catch air. Ten minutes of screaming her name and slapping her in the shoulders and chest to wake her up. Ten long minutes of my heart pounding so hard I thought it would explode. I screamed for my dad and he came in and just stood there watching her as I'm screaming in her face for her to wake up! Screaming MOM! MOM!!

Finally she snapped out of it and looked afraid and didn't know why we were standing around her looking so concerned and why I was bawling my eyes out. I latched onto her so hard she had to tell me I was hurting her and I let go and sat down and cried in the chair. As I sat down she started to heave and gag. I told dad to move everything off the trash can (she keeps her laptop and papers on it so the dog doesnt go in it) and he moved so slowly... but as soon as he got it off she began vomiting into the trash. She had not eaten anything and had only had coffee and she was mostly painfully dry heaving though she did get a lot up, this lasted a long time.

This is the third episode of fainting- second with seizing and first followed by vomiting.

We took her to the ER even though she couldn't remember what happened at all and thought it was no big deal. Trust me, it was a big deal and one of the scariest things I have seen happen to my mother. We got there at 1 and we were taken back quickly. They took her bp- 167/80 and her pulse 65 and her oxygen saturation was 97. They took a chest xray, a CT scan for her head (she admitted having vision trouble lately with sunbursts and having a recurring sharp pain in the back of her head). No tumors were found but they may need to check for any leakage. They took 6 vials of blood and tested her sugar. She had not eaten but had coffee with sugar and creamer- her sugar was 117 which they said was borderline high but ok. They said that it is very likely that she has been experiencing seizures and that they are supposedly stress related. Which I find difficult to swallow. Prior to each of the episodes she was calm- laughing- seated- playing a game or talking with family. She had no warning of the oncoming issue and was feeling perfectly fine and not stressed or ill. They said "she is not at a point where they are finding any immediate medical crisis that can be treated in the emergency room" and told her she needs to visit her GP in the next 2-4 days, eat a low sodium diet and get some rest. They gave no real explanations for what was happening and we still feel in the dark about the whole thing. So its going to be several thousand dollars that they dont have ... to find out that she has nothing they could treat her for. So.... no that doesn't add stress.... (sarcasm).

So I did not eat today until about 4:30pm and I snacked on stupid things like gummies and sherbert at my parents. When I went home michael cooked turkey burgers and I ate a pop tart and had a can of mt. dew. Normally I would eat better.... but I was on the verge of binge mode. I just wanted to shovel it all down and bury the events of today underneath piles of sugar and fat and fullness. But... since I have not "binged" in the real since in over a year.. my tummy wouldnt let me and I was super full. I ended around 1800 calories for the day. (supposed to try to shoot for 2000 but I dont know about that.)

STRESSFUL is not even the word for today. I'm terrified of leaving her side but I had to go back up to Akron for the work week. Worse, she doesn't know when it happens so I can't even ask her if anything has happened. She said the only way she knows is that she will be sitting there and next thing she knows she is just extremely tired or she is on the floor or a part of her is hurt. Dad is there with her but he sits in the livingroom and she sits in a room on the other side of the house where the computer is and plays her game most of the time. It's hard to hear when you holler through the house so it's impossible for him to hear her if she collapses again. (sigh). I'm at a loss of what to do. I feel so alone and helpless.

Work and dieting.... can it mesh?

So the last two days have been ok. I worked 4-11 both days and was alone most of the time just me and my kids. Thursday I had 5 kids to myself until 10pm and then their parents finally began to come for them. I had mostly younger infants and it was a trying day. By trying I mean I wanted to rip my hair out.
We have a new baby named Denim who does nothing but cry and breaks out of his swaddle. He jolts in his sleep a lot and looks like he may have been exposed to drugs in the womb based on how small he is and how severe these muscle jerks are and how uncomfortable he seems to be constantly.
One of the parents came in on thursday with a black eye- things apparently got rough with the dad and she came to get the kids early wearing sunglasses and sporting a shiner and some scratches and swelling. I don't know what to do about to, probably nothing I can do anyway. I say it was the dad because when she kids asked if daddy was at home she stiffened up and said no he was not there anymore.
I had 1490 calories on thurs.

Friday:: I swung by work and picked up my paycheck and deposited it to the bank and then went back... but not before going to taco bell. Fail... really taco bell is calorie hell. So that tacked on 750 calories right there. So I was careful the rest of the day. I ended with 55 calories left- so 1445 before taking into account my burns. I burned 907 calories today ( much more but thats all I'm counting). so I suppose I have extra calories that I could eat but I dont like thinking of it that way.

my ear is hurting again today. I've had a lingering ear infection for ranging on two months now and I wish I would go away. It seems no matter how many decongestants I take it just won't budge. I may have to go to the dr and get something for it. I just don't have the money or time or transportation to get there.

Speaking of transportation: I put in to work for a schedule change so I would not have to close anymore. It was approved on tuesday to be effective starting on July 8th.  Tonight the schedule was posted in our breakroom and I am scheduled to close EVERY SINGLE DAY. Honestly, they forgot in two days? Sigh. So I told them and they said they would fix it but I'm pretty positive they have already forgotten.

Bright moment from the babies: Today Braylynn smiled while dancing with me to "I like to move it move it!" and Denim stayed in the jumparoo by himself for over an hour with no tears.

Fourth of July Family Time

Yesterday was the fourth of July. Michael and I wanted to get our families together to have a cook out and so that we could be together rather than splitting up and going to our families for the holiday. We went and picked up my parents around two and came back to our apartment for a while. They had never seen where I have been living for the last seven months and I figure it was time. They seemed to like it, even the negative aspects were brushed over ( leaky air conditioner, holes in the gross looking brown/gold carpet, cracked tiles in the kitchen etc.) and I guess for my first place it isn't so bad. We are also in a good part of town and its quiet for the most part and safe, which is the biggest issue for any parents when their child moves out of the house and a half hour away from them.

I was happy my parents were here to visit and it started off my day with a good vibe. We went and picked up ice and headed over to the other side of town for the cook out. I was afraid if I left my parents alone they would feel weird and uncomfortable but they seemed like they were having a good time playing with mike's cousin's kid and talking to his grandmother. So, I went inside for about a half hour and changed the baby and rocked her to sleep before coming back out and low and behold they were still fine.

We stayed from about 4 to 9 and it was very very hot. We were in a heat advisory because temperatures went up over 100 degrees. We tried to stay cool and hydrated but it was still uncomfortable outside.

On the way home we watched fireworks from the highway and then watched some more of them once we arrived at my parents house. We used to be able to see the monument fireworks really well from their deck through the trees but over the last few years the trees must have grown well because it was harder to see them. I stood on the deck watching the blasts of color with Mike's arms wrapped around me from the back and througoughly enjoyed our first fourth of july together. We are almost at the 1 year mark and I can't wait.

ED SIDE:::::

We ate a lot of the normal cook out foods and I tried to be good. I stopped before I was too full and tried to keep my drink calories lower. In comparison to everyone else I did really well but by my own standards I did not do well at all.

Lunch was left overs from our company picnic::
baked mac and cheese- 345
grape tomatoes-3
watermelon-45
total 410

Dinner at the cookout::
cheeseburger with bun- 359
potato salad-220
beans- 70
chocolate chip cookies (3 of them) 360
a strawberry- 4
banana pudding with bananas and wafers 225
pound cake- 116

Total 1354
 and 3 cans of orange crush--I know this is horrible and to never drink my calories... but .... 390
I also had 9 cups of water.

Grand total --2154 which I know to nearly everyone that is a ton of calories. But I did walk for nearly an hour and carried the baby a lot of the day. Not that that excuses it.  Going to do better today. Update in the morning or tonight :)
Sarah

Catch up post

Hey!
It's been since last April that I posted and I probably don't have any followers anymore, but in case I do I'm going to do a big catch up and then I promise I'm back to blogging. I missed the feeling of being able to express what has been on my mind and instead I have been keeping things bottled up and feeling alone for the past... oh.. year or so? Sad? exactly.

So I've been through a handful of relationships since then. I was with a bloke from Canada for a month or so. He turned out to be scary in a religious way and he looked down on me constantly. He spoke down to me like I was a child and constantly preached to me. I understand loving your religion but I don't like it to be forced upon me.

I broke that off and ended up meeting a guy online. He was a pastor at a local church (why do I have all these religious men?) well he distorted my mind in ways I will probably never straighten out. He told me he wouldn't let me out in public with him until I lost weight. Well.... I did. It wasn't good enough for him and he continued to keep me hidden and refused to take me anywhere. As this blog is mostly for me and venting I'll write it out... He forcefully raped me multiple times. Once was in his office in the church. Some how I didn't have the guts or the mental strength to leave and get away from the situation. He ended up leaving me. On my birthday last year. A friend of mine found out he was on another dating site and had just announced his relationship with another girl. This is after ignoring me for days and leading me on. Well, I ended it at that point (note: it was already over since he had aparently abandoned the relationship).

After that I was single for a while. I graduated university making dean's list again just like most of my semesters. After graduation I felt like I was ready for another relationship. I was a stronger person. I was a graduate from one of the better colleges in our area and was proud. Being proud of myself does not happen very often, so I clung to it. I decided it was time to grow up and become my own person. I only have once chance at this life right? So I decided to find someone.

That's when I met Michael.

We met online and things took off from there. We had our first date at the park out on the docks at the lake. Enjoying the breeze and the views- laughing and kids and crazy old people and had our first kiss there on the dock on that chilly and windy day in September. We moved in together and got and apartment on December 11th 2011 and have been together ever since. On December 25th Michael proposed to me. He wrapped up my engagement ring in a gift and I said yes! Its now the 4th of July and we are still doing well. We are getting our families together to have a joint family cook out. This is the first time our families will be actually spending time together and hopefully it goes well.

Today is also going to be the first day that my parents come see my apartment (yes, I have lived her seven months and they have not been up). I'll have to blog about how this day goes tomorrow. I have so many things to write about.

On the ED side of things- I had been doing well with minor slips here and there. Until spring came. I don't know what it is about spring and the warm weather. Once it starts warming I get that nagging "drop weight- starve-purge mentality going on. So I've been slipping up for the last few months. The biggest slip was on this last Monday. I ended up eating spaghetti with Michael for dinner. I even used turkey instead of beef (difference in fat content and protein content) and no cheese. Well... I started sweating, my heart was racing and I couldn't sit still. Finally, I told him I was going to to take a shower. I ended up purging before I got in the shower... and I needed one once I was done. I was covered in backsplash... so gross. Well, I thought I felt better and it all came up so quickly and painlessly. My eyes watered but it was by far a gentler purge than it used to be. I'm glad things have changed now though. Previously I had involuntary purging where I could just bend over and think about purging and cough once and it would start. It's no longer like that. I've purged maybe 15 times in the last year. It used to be like 15 times a month so I feel better. Well, after my shower it came up on its own... so twice in a day. I was so dissapointed that I had returned to that. This was after the weekend at my parents where I spent half the time restricting and barely ate anything to the next day verging on binge mode. Hello ED rollercoaster.

I'm about to go get my parents at their house and bring them here so I will blog again tomorrow! I hope some of you are still around and that we can talk again! I know at least one of you are.

Happy 4th!