Hey!
It's been since last April that I posted and I probably don't have any followers anymore, but in case I do I'm going to do a big catch up and then I promise I'm back to blogging. I missed the feeling of being able to express what has been on my mind and instead I have been keeping things bottled up and feeling alone for the past... oh.. year or so? Sad? exactly.
So I've been through a handful of relationships since then. I was with a bloke from Canada for a month or so. He turned out to be scary in a religious way and he looked down on me constantly. He spoke down to me like I was a child and constantly preached to me. I understand loving your religion but I don't like it to be forced upon me.
I broke that off and ended up meeting a guy online. He was a pastor at a local church (why do I have all these religious men?) well he distorted my mind in ways I will probably never straighten out. He told me he wouldn't let me out in public with him until I lost weight. Well.... I did. It wasn't good enough for him and he continued to keep me hidden and refused to take me anywhere. As this blog is mostly for me and venting I'll write it out... He forcefully raped me multiple times. Once was in his office in the church. Some how I didn't have the guts or the mental strength to leave and get away from the situation. He ended up leaving me. On my birthday last year. A friend of mine found out he was on another dating site and had just announced his relationship with another girl. This is after ignoring me for days and leading me on. Well, I ended it at that point (note: it was already over since he had aparently abandoned the relationship).
After that I was single for a while. I graduated university making dean's list again just like most of my semesters. After graduation I felt like I was ready for another relationship. I was a stronger person. I was a graduate from one of the better colleges in our area and was proud. Being proud of myself does not happen very often, so I clung to it. I decided it was time to grow up and become my own person. I only have once chance at this life right? So I decided to find someone.
That's when I met Michael.
We met online and things took off from there. We had our first date at the park out on the docks at the lake. Enjoying the breeze and the views- laughing and kids and crazy old people and had our first kiss there on the dock on that chilly and windy day in September. We moved in together and got and apartment on December 11th 2011 and have been together ever since. On December 25th Michael proposed to me. He wrapped up my engagement ring in a gift and I said yes! Its now the 4th of July and we are still doing well. We are getting our families together to have a joint family cook out. This is the first time our families will be actually spending time together and hopefully it goes well.
Today is also going to be the first day that my parents come see my apartment (yes, I have lived her seven months and they have not been up). I'll have to blog about how this day goes tomorrow. I have so many things to write about.
On the ED side of things- I had been doing well with minor slips here and there. Until spring came. I don't know what it is about spring and the warm weather. Once it starts warming I get that nagging "drop weight- starve-purge mentality going on. So I've been slipping up for the last few months. The biggest slip was on this last Monday. I ended up eating spaghetti with Michael for dinner. I even used turkey instead of beef (difference in fat content and protein content) and no cheese. Well... I started sweating, my heart was racing and I couldn't sit still. Finally, I told him I was going to to take a shower. I ended up purging before I got in the shower... and I needed one once I was done. I was covered in backsplash... so gross. Well, I thought I felt better and it all came up so quickly and painlessly. My eyes watered but it was by far a gentler purge than it used to be. I'm glad things have changed now though. Previously I had involuntary purging where I could just bend over and think about purging and cough once and it would start. It's no longer like that. I've purged maybe 15 times in the last year. It used to be like 15 times a month so I feel better. Well, after my shower it came up on its own... so twice in a day. I was so dissapointed that I had returned to that. This was after the weekend at my parents where I spent half the time restricting and barely ate anything to the next day verging on binge mode. Hello ED rollercoaster.
I'm about to go get my parents at their house and bring them here so I will blog again tomorrow! I hope some of you are still around and that we can talk again! I know at least one of you are.
Happy 4th!
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