Gym

I'm going to the gym on wednesday with my friend, haven't been to a real gym in a while so this should be amusing. She started a diet yesterday and wants help to work out and stay on track. So yay. Free gym use at my school, never used it though because I don't know how weird I will feel with people watching me and stuff, it makes me really nervous. So far 480 calories today and burned 80. Did homework and a few things around the house, I have a lot to do today but pretty much no motivation at all. Not a good sign.

Today and Yesterday

I had a wonderful time with my bf at his house. He told me that he can tell that I have lost weight, I can't. I mean obviously I have lost weight because I lost 2 pants sizes but I just really can almost never see it. Sometimes I can see it in my face but on a normal basis I can't tell. I had him take some progress pictures thinking that I could compare them in another month or so and maybe be able to see it and feel good about it but I think he deleted them. I had some dietary/ health problems on the way home on saturday, I had a wee bit too much dairy product I think because my lactose intolerance made me miserable and it kicked in right before we left for our almost 2 hour ride back home. Had to stop at a gas station off the highway :( germaphobe me hated that ).
I fell asleep at home when I arrived because I still was not feeling well and I have been falling asleep off and on ever since, just kind of unable to stay awake.
I did some homework yesterday too, I read one of the articles for my research paper and today I did the annotated bibliography entry for it.
Today my calories were at almost 1400 and that makes me feel shamed and sad, a lot of it was liquids though, I need to change that.
Today I made tuna, veggies and brown rice, mixed it all together and added mustard to it :) it was pretty delish and it was my lunch and my dinner and totaled 545 calories for the entire thing. Not bad for the amount. I like high quantity- low calorie things.
I'm a little sad today because I haven't heard from my bf at all today dispite texting him a couple of times throughout the day and didn't heard from him last night really either. I'm wondering if i overstepped by telling him that his house feels like home to me. I dunno, of course I'm over analyzing everything and over thinking scenarios. I tend to do that with nearly everything in my life.
Last night the stray cat I take care of discovered she can get onto the roof and she found my windows, so she has been pawing at my windows and pretty much destroyed my screens trying to get in. I let her in last night for a while and then today I let her in for a couple hours and she napped and got warm and got loved on. She asked to go back outside and I put her right back out of the window just like she came in. The dog is having a minor attack over the entire thing: she smells the cat all over my bed and the carpet and actually saw her in the window because the cat wanted in again. So I'm feeling bad for my dog but it's keeping her occupied while I blog and work on things on the computer.
I'm going back to school on tuesday and worried about it a little. My main problem is that whatever I'm doing I throw myself into it. So school takes up everything, or dieting takes up everything. They don't go well together and right now Food and the obsession with losing weight is getting in the way of my school work. It's almost the end of my college career and I can't let myself slack now so close to the end and accomplishing everything I have been working so hard for. But I also can't slack on losing weight because its going down and I need it to keep going. It's not an option. I need to find balance.

Off to BF land I go

I'm going to stay with the bf tonight and will be back tomorrow. Miss Skinny, I tried to send you a PM but it says you have exceeded your limit and cannot accept more messages until you clear some. lol stop being a message hoarder so I can PM you :P
Well it's just after 1:30 and I haven't eaten yet, I had one cup of coffee and didn't finish it.
I got my jumprope in the mail today and used it for like 5-6 minutes. I found out that it was much more fun, not to mention easier, when I was younger and didn't have D cup boobs... ow. But I burned about 55 calories jumping so that made me happy.
I have 2 pairs of heels and 2 dresses packed just incase because last time when I went to stay with him he wanted to take me out somewhere and asked if I brought a dress or anything to change into for dinner and I hadn't because I didnt know. Well now I'm prepared :)
Wearing my new smaller sized jeans today too and it feels GOOD. They are actually rather comfy :)
Well, I guess I'm off to wait for my love to arrive, I'm not sure where he is whether he is in town or has to travel to get here but either way I'm ready :)

Sleepy Day

Today I don't quite know what I feel. I had an interesting talk with my mom about my boyfriend and it helped me feel better about some of the thoughts I have been having. After last night he said he would come over today but didn't end up making it as he got called to go back up north for a meeting of some kind. He says he got me the driving book so I can take my exam and get my temporary permit, I'm both kind of excited and nervous at the same time. I've always had this nervousness about driving for some reason.
So today Food: 1 yogurt with granola (its a parfait) 180 calories
                         1 Recees egg- 160 calories  and 200 calories worth of trail mix
                         Pasta- 370 and a piece of garlic bread -240
Yeah I'm not too pleased with how the day went intake wise. I'm hoping it doesn't hurt me too bad on the scale in the morning.
I did find the motivation to be productive today and managed to get two homework assignments done. I also talked to my boyfriend on the phone for a few minutes and cleaned the house. I fell asleep on the couch this afternoon and that never happens. I'm still pretty tired too. I need to get out of that habit because school will be starting back up here in a few days.
I almost forgot! It has been annoying me how baggy and loose my pants have been getting lately (I love that I am smaller but I hate the feeling of swimming in my pants) so I tried on a pair of pants that when I began losing weight came up just past my knees. I wore them the rest of the day, I was so shocked they went on and then even more so when they zipped and buttoned. So that was a rather high moment of the day :)

Way to be!

So today is a giant fail-fest. Dinner was more calories than I would have been happy with plus I had some chocolate after dinner, I think I figured "Well the day is already ruined finish it out right you cow!" sooo... about a half hour later went and purged. annnd about a 20 minutes after that I went back and purged again to try to get more up.
So not only did I break the non-purging streak I also goofed with my bf.
I sent him an email intended to be a sweet email telling him how much I miss him and want to see him soon. In there was a weird comment about "I think I told the man I love how much I weigh and it may have concerned him enough that he is distancing himself from me until I fix the problem"
I got a text at 3am asking me WTH I am talking about. I feel really bad about it but it was true and was eating a hole through my mind the last week or so. I sincereley thought that since I told him my weight he was busy and was giving my room to fix it. I was so ashamed and felt that maybe he was ashamed of me too. I feel like he should be, that everyone should be. I know I am. To think that the man I love would be so shallow hurts because I know that's not who he is or how he thinks. I'm 25 pounds smaller than when we met and yet I still feel terrified that he will notice how fat I am and be horrified by me.
Sadly I was going to make a "On the Plus Side" section but legitimately nothing good happened today, nothing that is standing out... Come on now 'Cup Half Full' side of me, find something! - I'm in bed and my puppy is sleeping under the blankets with me with only her nose and one leg sticking out of the blanket and she is pretty darn cute. Cute puppies make the day better.

Oh and he said he hopes to see me tomorrow, but he said that the last 3 days and nada.
And still in my head its because I'm fat. Self-esteem needs to get better but instead it's getting constantly worse and the best part you may ask? I feel like I deserve it to get bad, to be miserable.

Starting a New Diet

So today I decided I would start the Skinny Girl Diet and today is the first day. Today the daily allowance is 400 calories, on this diet fruit and veggies don't count into the total and anything you go over you have to burn off through exercise. I had 930 calories, I would say 30 of them came from the veggies I ate today so a total of 900 flat that count. I burned 496 so far and will be burning a few more before I head to bed.
I haven't eaten since 1:30 and its now 9 and I feel pretty good about that, I'm a little bit hungry but it's much better than I anticipated it to be and I'm hoping the number on the scale will be lower in the morning.
I didn't have a very eventful day today but I did do some yardwork and went on a few walks today (which is where my calorie burn comes from). I also got to see the neighbor's little girl and she is abosolutely adorable. I talked to my boyfriend today (ok I got 2 texts) he says he is busy and hopes to talk to me and see me soon but as of yet that hasn't happened and it's really starting to bum me out.
Sorry so short today, but it was rather uneventful!
Tomorrow I'm hoping will be better... I would love it to be boyfriend filled but that's not probable.

First Post!

So I decided to make a blog because I feel it would help to keep my anxiety down and make me feel better having an outlet to just let everything out.
Today I woke up and was in an ok mood. I went down and decided that I would have my higher calorie meal for breakfast, thinking that way I would definitely have time to burn off my calories. So I made a frozen french break pizza- 390 calories, I picked off the pepperoni as normal because I don't like pepperoni and stacked them neatly on the plate to feed to my dog. I walked in the livingroom to have breakfast and sit with my dad and as soon as I walked in "What are you eating? Wait! ANOTHER pizza?! That one was mine.. :("  my heart started pounding. "What do you mean another?" I had the same pizza the day before for my dinner. I could tell he was just picking on me but it freaked me out a lot. So, feeling bad that I had eaten "HIS" pizza I went and made him lunch.
When mom got up around 11:30 I got her coffee ready for her and met her at the door and then fed the animals.
I weighed myself this morning bright and early and it was up. UP. Which when followed by my dad's comments lead to "I'm not eating" and "I hate my life" and "I don't deserve love, which is fine because no one cares anyway". Yeah, depressed drama queen mode apparently has been installed overnight.
I did manage to pull myself out of that funk by going on a walk to the store for my mother, I think getting out of the house and getting some fresh air really does improve my moods. When I came home I had pretty much decided that fasting was just as bad as binging. Eat like a normal person Sarah, please, for once in your life...sheesh.
And the parents decided they needed fast food. The options were KFC, Taco Bell or Wendys. I could hear them discussing it from the other room and in my head I'm screaming "AHHHH!!! NO!" so they then called me into the room and my face must have been pretty amusing because as soon as my dad looked at me he was like "oommmmm...Want Subway kiddo?" and at that moment I wanted to hug him. So we went together to Subway and got dinner and I saved half of mine for tomorrow nights dinner. So much healthier than other fast food so I was less freaked out.
I think it's strange I have such fears of food when looking at me right now you would think that I had never heard of the concept of "calories" or "fat". Its interesting what 3 years and lots of eating gets you...wait I think I confused interesting with catastrophic, or perhaps mortifying. Well while I'm at it lets give the tale.
So November of 2010: Weight- HW: 312 pounds. (FMW)
Current Weight: March 20th: 288 (Still FMW but less?)
LW: 2003: 155
Goal: 165 ASAP: This is the weight I need to get to and maintain to work on concieving. (No I am not married yet, yes I plan to be married by the time this is an issue).
Ok well, long enough blog for day one?
Oh and I got to talk to my two favorite people on WE tonight so that made me pretty chipper.
Best Quote of the night : "Hey skinny girl don't run from me I will sit on you and make you eat an apple!"
:P