Progress

SGD started at 290.
LW: 284.5
CW: 285.5 (damn pizza)

Today I skipped breakfast and cleaned the house and danced for a little bit. burned 85 calories so I'm in the negative range right now. I'm about to have a mug of coffee with sugar and creamer though for 70 calories so I'm glad I burned some off so that I'm still good.
A lot of people doing this diet with me are doing wonderfully. I want to give a shout out to my friend Iwan for being such an inspiration to me throughout this whole thing.

I'm thinking about going on a trip to hang out with my friend Stacy :) I think it would be awesome. We have a plan too for all the things to do and see. I'm excited thinking about it!

Last night my boyfriend came over and I got to spend about an hour with him. I missed him so much it was wonderful to be able to hug him and kiss him and just be close to him and talk. I also got a call last night for a good night and whatnot. Then this morning I got to talk to him for a little bit while he was preparing for the day. I love him so much.

By talking to him this morning my day instantly started wonderfully even though I gained a pound. I have soo much school work to do but zero motivation to get any of it done.

Starting over tomorrow

Today was not a good day diet-wise. It started out well...I realized family dinner was going to doom me, then I kinda started to binge and then stopped because I didn't need to ruin it anymore. Was not as horrible of a binge as normal so thats...better I guess.
I feel really ashamed though because I messed up day 2 of the SGD.. day 2 really? sheesh. I'm getting right back on though not gonna give up. I always seem to have problems on the 300 calorie days.


Other wise I did homework, chatted on WE and facebook. I'm not feeling too well and I think its mostly the guilt.

Tomorrow will be better. I have school tomorrow.. nervous about it for some unknown reason.

I need to relax.

Sunday Sunday Sunday!

Today is the first day of the SGD and it's going pretty well so far. I had 200 calories from a flatbread melt and some applesauce- but fruits and veggies are not counted into the total so its still at 200 for the day. It's just after noon and I've been doing homework most of the day and going through my sources for my research paper. I have to finish my annotated bibliography and write my review of the literature today as well as read 100 more pages of my Ohio presidents book for my history class. Shouldn't be too awful in theory. I've been working really hard the last few days trying to get everything done.

My boyfriend sent me a text this morning so that cheered me up a bit, he is working now most likely and will be for the rest of the day. I'm hoping to talk to him tonight. I really want to spend some time with him I miss him and miss being with him.

So the SGD lasts 30 days I'm hoping in these 30 days to lose 18-20 pounds.

I will update on here at the end of the day again to give my info for the whole day but it has a good start. Off to work on my bibliography now.


UPDATE:: So I ended up having a lot of calories but most of them didnt count to the diet. Still a lot less than I normally would have had but still.
I had to burn off calories today because I went over. Which is fine, it says you can. So I had about an hour of cardio today and ended with my calories that count at 390. So I'm happy with that.

On the boyfriend : I got a call from him tonight and it makes me super happy. I miss him! It's been a week since I've seen him. I am not good at being apart lol.

Also Stacy made me realize I have 8 more class days then finals. Then summer classes. Then Graduation!!! yay. Finally graduating from college. The "Real World" awaits. I'm terrified.

Tomorrow calories Net Total is 300 minus fruit and veg. So here is the plan: Breakfast Oatmeal- 280, Go on a mile walk. Lunch- Tuna on a flat - 220 flat, 140 tuna, mustard 0 total: 360. Go on a mile walk and do yard work for a half hour. Dinner- I never know what dinner is. But I swear we better go to the store tomorrow and buy fruits and veg because I have non and I'm freaking.

Yesterdays weight: 290.0 Guess thats where it starts.
Todays weight: 288.5

Mini-update

Yesterday I found an old friends website and blog. Back when I was really deep in my ED for the first time she was the one who was there kicking my butt telling me to be healthy and trying to keep me out of the deep end. She relapsed recently and is in hospice care. It really makes me sad to think of her that way.

I binged today on sugar. Which isn't a big surprise with my period being due.

Starting SGD again with my friend Divine who will be doing the SBD :) I'm hoping it goes wonderfully and I'm pretty exicted to start. Day 1 is tomorrrow.

Hoping Stacy is having fun at the shower today :)

Not too much to update on right now, I've spent most of my weekend so far doing homework and that's pretty much how the rest of the weekend seems like it will go too unless I can get ahead some how.

I miss my boyfriend like mad.

So much on my mind

So much has happened since I last blogged. Last night I read a blog on WE that one of the girls was taking basically a fistfull of a mix of pills and was hoping to die. I have seen several posts like that and generally the friends get them to come back and they are ok. I had talked to the girl before but I wasn't close with her. I saw her blog moments after she posted it. I went to try to catch her on chat to talk to her and see if there was anything I could do and maybe get her to change her mind, to throw up the pills, anything. She was already offline by the time I found it 3 minutes later.
   This morning her mother posted on her WE page that she was found dead in her room this morning. This hit me hard. I have known a few people who have died from their eating disorders. Although she over dosed I still attribute her death her her ED. The misery it causes. The head games it puts you through. So I just want to say Rest in Peace to this girl.
I'm also worried about another of my friends going through a hard time.

I met my neighbor/childhood friend's new baby today, well he was in his carseat but I still saw him. He was adorable! Makes me wish it was time for me to have a little one. Gotta lose the weight first though and get married.

School has four more weeks to go and I have a major case of the "I dun wannaaaas" The work is now all becoming due, more is being piled on by the day and I'm falling behind. I'm hoping this weeked I will play catch up and everything will be ok.

Weight is stationary.

The dog peed on my school bag...guess she was mad that I walked the cat today instead of her.. bitch.

Additionally I have cramps of death. My ovaries feel like they could burst into flame at any second.

Also the bf has ignored all of my texts and my 1 call today. Not one word from him and I'm feeling rather insignificant.

I wanna give a shout out to my new follower ;)

Blog again tomorrow probably!! I hope the week gets better!!

I noticed

I noticed that I only have one follower, I think I should find more. Yup!

Ok, onto today's debacle. Binged on candy when I came home from school. I also had pasta salad because I figured that would keep me from binging. I was pretty wrong. I ended up with 2400 calories today. That was a pretty bad day.

School is keeping me ultra busy and I'm hoping to get caught up tomorrow, going to be working all day to do it though.

Ack, I don't know what to blog about.

Oh! I'm staying away from junk and sugar for now :)

Events that make you go WHHHHEEEEEEE

I went to my boyfriend's house last night. We went to dinner with his mom here in town at Applebee's. I get the same thing everytime I go the Crispy Orange Chicken with all the yummy veggies. I ate like maybe 3 pieces of the chicken and 2 pieces of broccoli and a couple peas and I was planning to take it home and have the rest for lunch and dinner today but I forgot it in his fridge.. lame. After dinner we made the hour and a half drive up to his house and got there around 10:30 and I was already sleepy, even though I didnt wanna be. He was too though so I didn't feel as bad. My calories for yesterday ended up right around 1800. Kinda a high day but we did go out to eat, so that's to be expected. Went back to his house and he turned off the lights and crawled into bed and I thought that was that and he was sleepy and wanted to cuddle.. NOPE WRONG-O. Sooo we were up for a few more hours in his brand new bed. Finally I fell asleep in his arms while he petted my hair sometime around 1:30. He held me a good part of the night and I loved it. Woke up around 6 and went to the bathroom and he cuddled me when I came back. Around 9:30 we needed to test the new bed's ability in the morning. Good quality bed, let me tell ya. So at around 10:30 we ended up still laying there and then fell into a pleasure coma. Woke up around 11:45 and we got up and got showered and ready for the day. He had a lot of work to do so he took me home. He made me coffee this morning as usual but I haven't been drinking coffee and my stomach started to feel funny when I took the first couple sips so I didn't finish it. I got home today around 3 and hadn't eaten anything yet. I was hungry so I had 2 yogurts.. yes not one but two. So 200 calories. Then I made some tea thinking I would have a couple hours until dinner was ready, so 33 calories for the tea. Well, dinner ended up being earlier than I figured it would be and we ate at 4:30. A sandwich- 400? and some potato soup I bought for the family- 300? So I'm at 933 for the day and I'm done eating. I'm pretty full too from that soup. I think I might have some in the morning before school too. Oh and I found my oatmeal that I thought was all eaten up....so maybe that should be breakfast.
On April 1 I was 290, April 2: 289.5 April 3:287 April 4: 283.5 Shocking but wonderful.

Progress :)

Got up this morning and I was down 2 pounds from yesterday. I'm only one pound down from where I started the 20 pounds in 5 week challenge so I still kinda suck but I'm happy it's in the right direction. I'm going up to my boyfriend's house today at some point he said he would pick me up as soon as he got a chance and told me to be ready, so I am all packed and ready to walk out the door whenever I get a call. I have only like 20 more pages left to read of the book I have been working on this weekend. I have other things to do too but it will all be ok.
So far today my food has been good. For breakfast I had half a small banana and 2 packs of oatmeal. For lunch I had a banana creme yogurt- 90 calories.
Total is at 490 and its almost 2pm. Won't be eating until tonight. Hoping everything goes well. Hoping to be down at least 2 more pounds back to my lower weight by tuesday morning. That's the goal. I feel like I look nice today, I'm wearing some dress pants that I laughed when I picked them up wondering how far up they would go and they fit. size 16. yeah I know thats big but I was in a size 24 so I'm pretty pleased today. I know its just these pants though that I'm really a size 20 not a 16 but it made me happy. The black dress pants paired with a pink sweater and my new boots :) I feel like I look presentable today.

Confused

I woke up this morning and honestly thought it was Sunday. I texted my bf and told him to have a good day like I do every Sunday before he gives services. He called me a half hour later and said he thought today was Sunday too. I'm glad I'm not the only one who is rather confused. So I might end up seeing him today, which makes me super, ultra, ecstatically happy. Skews my layout for the day though but I don't care as long as I get a few things done today. I'm really hoping I get to see him today, I miss him a lot. So far this morning, got dressed, talked to my dieting buddy in the UK, had tea and cereal for breakfast and now I'm looking to getting cracking on some work, but first, I think I will go check on my dog who is sleeping in my room. in my bed. under my blankets. mmhmm. spoiled. :P

I'm a girl with a plan

Tomorrow I have my whole day planned out from morning to night. I like this feeling of having a plan and I hope I can stick to it. Food plan tomorrow has me having 900 calories even. I really like when things work out to an even number like that, it makes everything easier. I planned three walks for myself throughout the day and I'm probably going to take my dog on the first one in the morning. I hope that goes well and she doesn't end up hurting my back or something. She pulls really hard... especially when she sees a squirrel or God forbid a mourning dove.
My day is starting tomorrow at 9am and I have a bunch of school work set out to do and tonight is also going ot have an hour and a half of school work to do. I hope all of this works out. In theory if I stick to this planning I will lose weight too between the eating and the calorie burn. So I hope that works because my weight crept back up recently. Well, I am seven minutes late starting to read so I have to run!!

So frustrating

I'm trying to figure out why I have been having really bad cramps the last few days. My period is due next week not this week and I'm on birth control so it shouldn't come early. In addition to having cramps of death I have also gained a bit of weight recently and it's really bringing me down. I have homework to do but not as much as I thought I would and it's mostly reading. Nothing difficult it's all just very time consuming. I've also been very tired lately. I can sleep for hours and a few hours after I wake up I feel like I need a nap again. Maybe I should start taking some vitamins or something.
I stopped taking the diet pills.
I almost miss them because they gave me energy and keep me going throughout the day.
Maybe I'm going through withdrawl from them?
Not a lot going on today, but I felt like blogging.

Gym

I'm going to the gym on wednesday with my friend, haven't been to a real gym in a while so this should be amusing. She started a diet yesterday and wants help to work out and stay on track. So yay. Free gym use at my school, never used it though because I don't know how weird I will feel with people watching me and stuff, it makes me really nervous. So far 480 calories today and burned 80. Did homework and a few things around the house, I have a lot to do today but pretty much no motivation at all. Not a good sign.

Today and Yesterday

I had a wonderful time with my bf at his house. He told me that he can tell that I have lost weight, I can't. I mean obviously I have lost weight because I lost 2 pants sizes but I just really can almost never see it. Sometimes I can see it in my face but on a normal basis I can't tell. I had him take some progress pictures thinking that I could compare them in another month or so and maybe be able to see it and feel good about it but I think he deleted them. I had some dietary/ health problems on the way home on saturday, I had a wee bit too much dairy product I think because my lactose intolerance made me miserable and it kicked in right before we left for our almost 2 hour ride back home. Had to stop at a gas station off the highway :( germaphobe me hated that ).
I fell asleep at home when I arrived because I still was not feeling well and I have been falling asleep off and on ever since, just kind of unable to stay awake.
I did some homework yesterday too, I read one of the articles for my research paper and today I did the annotated bibliography entry for it.
Today my calories were at almost 1400 and that makes me feel shamed and sad, a lot of it was liquids though, I need to change that.
Today I made tuna, veggies and brown rice, mixed it all together and added mustard to it :) it was pretty delish and it was my lunch and my dinner and totaled 545 calories for the entire thing. Not bad for the amount. I like high quantity- low calorie things.
I'm a little sad today because I haven't heard from my bf at all today dispite texting him a couple of times throughout the day and didn't heard from him last night really either. I'm wondering if i overstepped by telling him that his house feels like home to me. I dunno, of course I'm over analyzing everything and over thinking scenarios. I tend to do that with nearly everything in my life.
Last night the stray cat I take care of discovered she can get onto the roof and she found my windows, so she has been pawing at my windows and pretty much destroyed my screens trying to get in. I let her in last night for a while and then today I let her in for a couple hours and she napped and got warm and got loved on. She asked to go back outside and I put her right back out of the window just like she came in. The dog is having a minor attack over the entire thing: she smells the cat all over my bed and the carpet and actually saw her in the window because the cat wanted in again. So I'm feeling bad for my dog but it's keeping her occupied while I blog and work on things on the computer.
I'm going back to school on tuesday and worried about it a little. My main problem is that whatever I'm doing I throw myself into it. So school takes up everything, or dieting takes up everything. They don't go well together and right now Food and the obsession with losing weight is getting in the way of my school work. It's almost the end of my college career and I can't let myself slack now so close to the end and accomplishing everything I have been working so hard for. But I also can't slack on losing weight because its going down and I need it to keep going. It's not an option. I need to find balance.

Off to BF land I go

I'm going to stay with the bf tonight and will be back tomorrow. Miss Skinny, I tried to send you a PM but it says you have exceeded your limit and cannot accept more messages until you clear some. lol stop being a message hoarder so I can PM you :P
Well it's just after 1:30 and I haven't eaten yet, I had one cup of coffee and didn't finish it.
I got my jumprope in the mail today and used it for like 5-6 minutes. I found out that it was much more fun, not to mention easier, when I was younger and didn't have D cup boobs... ow. But I burned about 55 calories jumping so that made me happy.
I have 2 pairs of heels and 2 dresses packed just incase because last time when I went to stay with him he wanted to take me out somewhere and asked if I brought a dress or anything to change into for dinner and I hadn't because I didnt know. Well now I'm prepared :)
Wearing my new smaller sized jeans today too and it feels GOOD. They are actually rather comfy :)
Well, I guess I'm off to wait for my love to arrive, I'm not sure where he is whether he is in town or has to travel to get here but either way I'm ready :)

Sleepy Day

Today I don't quite know what I feel. I had an interesting talk with my mom about my boyfriend and it helped me feel better about some of the thoughts I have been having. After last night he said he would come over today but didn't end up making it as he got called to go back up north for a meeting of some kind. He says he got me the driving book so I can take my exam and get my temporary permit, I'm both kind of excited and nervous at the same time. I've always had this nervousness about driving for some reason.
So today Food: 1 yogurt with granola (its a parfait) 180 calories
                         1 Recees egg- 160 calories  and 200 calories worth of trail mix
                         Pasta- 370 and a piece of garlic bread -240
Yeah I'm not too pleased with how the day went intake wise. I'm hoping it doesn't hurt me too bad on the scale in the morning.
I did find the motivation to be productive today and managed to get two homework assignments done. I also talked to my boyfriend on the phone for a few minutes and cleaned the house. I fell asleep on the couch this afternoon and that never happens. I'm still pretty tired too. I need to get out of that habit because school will be starting back up here in a few days.
I almost forgot! It has been annoying me how baggy and loose my pants have been getting lately (I love that I am smaller but I hate the feeling of swimming in my pants) so I tried on a pair of pants that when I began losing weight came up just past my knees. I wore them the rest of the day, I was so shocked they went on and then even more so when they zipped and buttoned. So that was a rather high moment of the day :)

Way to be!

So today is a giant fail-fest. Dinner was more calories than I would have been happy with plus I had some chocolate after dinner, I think I figured "Well the day is already ruined finish it out right you cow!" sooo... about a half hour later went and purged. annnd about a 20 minutes after that I went back and purged again to try to get more up.
So not only did I break the non-purging streak I also goofed with my bf.
I sent him an email intended to be a sweet email telling him how much I miss him and want to see him soon. In there was a weird comment about "I think I told the man I love how much I weigh and it may have concerned him enough that he is distancing himself from me until I fix the problem"
I got a text at 3am asking me WTH I am talking about. I feel really bad about it but it was true and was eating a hole through my mind the last week or so. I sincereley thought that since I told him my weight he was busy and was giving my room to fix it. I was so ashamed and felt that maybe he was ashamed of me too. I feel like he should be, that everyone should be. I know I am. To think that the man I love would be so shallow hurts because I know that's not who he is or how he thinks. I'm 25 pounds smaller than when we met and yet I still feel terrified that he will notice how fat I am and be horrified by me.
Sadly I was going to make a "On the Plus Side" section but legitimately nothing good happened today, nothing that is standing out... Come on now 'Cup Half Full' side of me, find something! - I'm in bed and my puppy is sleeping under the blankets with me with only her nose and one leg sticking out of the blanket and she is pretty darn cute. Cute puppies make the day better.

Oh and he said he hopes to see me tomorrow, but he said that the last 3 days and nada.
And still in my head its because I'm fat. Self-esteem needs to get better but instead it's getting constantly worse and the best part you may ask? I feel like I deserve it to get bad, to be miserable.

Starting a New Diet

So today I decided I would start the Skinny Girl Diet and today is the first day. Today the daily allowance is 400 calories, on this diet fruit and veggies don't count into the total and anything you go over you have to burn off through exercise. I had 930 calories, I would say 30 of them came from the veggies I ate today so a total of 900 flat that count. I burned 496 so far and will be burning a few more before I head to bed.
I haven't eaten since 1:30 and its now 9 and I feel pretty good about that, I'm a little bit hungry but it's much better than I anticipated it to be and I'm hoping the number on the scale will be lower in the morning.
I didn't have a very eventful day today but I did do some yardwork and went on a few walks today (which is where my calorie burn comes from). I also got to see the neighbor's little girl and she is abosolutely adorable. I talked to my boyfriend today (ok I got 2 texts) he says he is busy and hopes to talk to me and see me soon but as of yet that hasn't happened and it's really starting to bum me out.
Sorry so short today, but it was rather uneventful!
Tomorrow I'm hoping will be better... I would love it to be boyfriend filled but that's not probable.

First Post!

So I decided to make a blog because I feel it would help to keep my anxiety down and make me feel better having an outlet to just let everything out.
Today I woke up and was in an ok mood. I went down and decided that I would have my higher calorie meal for breakfast, thinking that way I would definitely have time to burn off my calories. So I made a frozen french break pizza- 390 calories, I picked off the pepperoni as normal because I don't like pepperoni and stacked them neatly on the plate to feed to my dog. I walked in the livingroom to have breakfast and sit with my dad and as soon as I walked in "What are you eating? Wait! ANOTHER pizza?! That one was mine.. :("  my heart started pounding. "What do you mean another?" I had the same pizza the day before for my dinner. I could tell he was just picking on me but it freaked me out a lot. So, feeling bad that I had eaten "HIS" pizza I went and made him lunch.
When mom got up around 11:30 I got her coffee ready for her and met her at the door and then fed the animals.
I weighed myself this morning bright and early and it was up. UP. Which when followed by my dad's comments lead to "I'm not eating" and "I hate my life" and "I don't deserve love, which is fine because no one cares anyway". Yeah, depressed drama queen mode apparently has been installed overnight.
I did manage to pull myself out of that funk by going on a walk to the store for my mother, I think getting out of the house and getting some fresh air really does improve my moods. When I came home I had pretty much decided that fasting was just as bad as binging. Eat like a normal person Sarah, please, for once in your life...sheesh.
And the parents decided they needed fast food. The options were KFC, Taco Bell or Wendys. I could hear them discussing it from the other room and in my head I'm screaming "AHHHH!!! NO!" so they then called me into the room and my face must have been pretty amusing because as soon as my dad looked at me he was like "oommmmm...Want Subway kiddo?" and at that moment I wanted to hug him. So we went together to Subway and got dinner and I saved half of mine for tomorrow nights dinner. So much healthier than other fast food so I was less freaked out.
I think it's strange I have such fears of food when looking at me right now you would think that I had never heard of the concept of "calories" or "fat". Its interesting what 3 years and lots of eating gets you...wait I think I confused interesting with catastrophic, or perhaps mortifying. Well while I'm at it lets give the tale.
So November of 2010: Weight- HW: 312 pounds. (FMW)
Current Weight: March 20th: 288 (Still FMW but less?)
LW: 2003: 155
Goal: 165 ASAP: This is the weight I need to get to and maintain to work on concieving. (No I am not married yet, yes I plan to be married by the time this is an issue).
Ok well, long enough blog for day one?
Oh and I got to talk to my two favorite people on WE tonight so that made me pretty chipper.
Best Quote of the night : "Hey skinny girl don't run from me I will sit on you and make you eat an apple!"
:P