Coming here always makes me think of what used to be and where life has taken me now. Tonight I watched a documentary that is meant to lead people away from eating disorders and show how dangerous they are evening showing one of the stars dying from it.
I think it's incredibly sad that no matter how bad they portray it I miss it.
Tonight I was thinking about all of the things I am. One thing came to mind front and center: I am ana's worst fear.
I've grown to such a huge weight that I could be my own group of ana friends from my old site put together.
I miss it and I know I can't go back but I want to. I want to. I want to so badly.
A friend of mine from the site's blogger is gone and I wonder if she's recovered and what she's doing with her life now. I wonder if things are better than they were before and if she's found a way to get through it.
I like to think she did.
So many people are struggling to get out but I'm on the outside looking in.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Thoughts on Reasoning
I was thinking about reasoning this morning. There is a reason for everything because God has a plan for the path you are leading.
I was thinking of negative things that have impacted my life. I don't want to say "Why me?" because that brings to mind "Why not me?" What would make me immune to bad things happening? Nothing. It was all part of the plan. Now the thing is to try to accept and see why these things happened to me. What the reasoning could have been and try to see positivity in the aftermath. I think I've managed to do that.
Growing up in a household where I had difficulty feeling comfortable, fully accepted and welcome, and loved was difficult for me. Having my father speak to me in the way he did. Calling me fatass, sack of shit, animal, etc. was hard on me. What kind of positivity do I think came from this?
I am a kind person. I don't treat others that way because I know how horrible it feels to have that on the receiving end. I have compassion for those who have endured the same practices. I know in my heart my children will never have to feel any of those emotions and will never have to have the same doubt and sadness that I've always had.
Being raped. That horrible experience of violation, betrayal, fear, and disgust. What could possibly come of that in a positive light? I battled with that question for a few years now. This is what I've come up with.
After my rape and after I began talking about it I started talking to other rape victims. Helping them with my words when I could. Being an ear to them when they just needed to talk. Talking about it personally has made it easier than hiding it. Talking about it gets it out and allows me to have more room inside of me for positive things. Hiding it was harder than talking about it. Hiding it made me feel like I should be ashamed of what happened. I had no fault in my rape. Talking about it allowed me to place the blame on the person who did it. Where it belongs. That was a very freeing moment when I could allow myself to understand that I had nothing to do with what happened to me. I do have a choice as to what I do with it. I have a choice as to how I let it affect me in the future. I have the choice to throw it away and try to forget about it. I also have the choice to help others when I can with what I have learned.
My wedding being called off last year was another big thing in my life. A huge humiliation. A massive betrayal and struggle that has left me very cautious about who I trust and who I allow into my life these days. Self preservation has taken the forefront of things after all of these instances.
I will tell you exactly what positivity came from my wedding being cancelled. I didn't marry a thief. I didn't marry a cheater. I didn't get locked into a family that didn't hold the same moral standard that I do. I didn't get stuck with a man who had no interests, no passion, no drive.
The biggest thing that I was given through that is finding Nathan. My daddy. I will now be marrying a man who has everything he didn't. Who makes me want to be a better person. Who makes me wake up every morning with a smile on my face. Who brings me to tears with his words not because of meanness but because he makes me feel like I'm worth something again. He makes me feel beautiful and desired. He has reinforced my faith and I will be forever thankful to him for that. He offers me the life I have always dreamed of.
That is what I have been given.
It's been a long road with major hurdles along the way but I am a loving, compassionate, caring, intelligent and beautiful person for what I have gone through and I feel blessed to have come out on the other side with positive gains.
I was thinking of negative things that have impacted my life. I don't want to say "Why me?" because that brings to mind "Why not me?" What would make me immune to bad things happening? Nothing. It was all part of the plan. Now the thing is to try to accept and see why these things happened to me. What the reasoning could have been and try to see positivity in the aftermath. I think I've managed to do that.
Growing up in a household where I had difficulty feeling comfortable, fully accepted and welcome, and loved was difficult for me. Having my father speak to me in the way he did. Calling me fatass, sack of shit, animal, etc. was hard on me. What kind of positivity do I think came from this?
I am a kind person. I don't treat others that way because I know how horrible it feels to have that on the receiving end. I have compassion for those who have endured the same practices. I know in my heart my children will never have to feel any of those emotions and will never have to have the same doubt and sadness that I've always had.
Being raped. That horrible experience of violation, betrayal, fear, and disgust. What could possibly come of that in a positive light? I battled with that question for a few years now. This is what I've come up with.
After my rape and after I began talking about it I started talking to other rape victims. Helping them with my words when I could. Being an ear to them when they just needed to talk. Talking about it personally has made it easier than hiding it. Talking about it gets it out and allows me to have more room inside of me for positive things. Hiding it was harder than talking about it. Hiding it made me feel like I should be ashamed of what happened. I had no fault in my rape. Talking about it allowed me to place the blame on the person who did it. Where it belongs. That was a very freeing moment when I could allow myself to understand that I had nothing to do with what happened to me. I do have a choice as to what I do with it. I have a choice as to how I let it affect me in the future. I have the choice to throw it away and try to forget about it. I also have the choice to help others when I can with what I have learned.
My wedding being called off last year was another big thing in my life. A huge humiliation. A massive betrayal and struggle that has left me very cautious about who I trust and who I allow into my life these days. Self preservation has taken the forefront of things after all of these instances.
I will tell you exactly what positivity came from my wedding being cancelled. I didn't marry a thief. I didn't marry a cheater. I didn't get locked into a family that didn't hold the same moral standard that I do. I didn't get stuck with a man who had no interests, no passion, no drive.
The biggest thing that I was given through that is finding Nathan. My daddy. I will now be marrying a man who has everything he didn't. Who makes me want to be a better person. Who makes me wake up every morning with a smile on my face. Who brings me to tears with his words not because of meanness but because he makes me feel like I'm worth something again. He makes me feel beautiful and desired. He has reinforced my faith and I will be forever thankful to him for that. He offers me the life I have always dreamed of.
That is what I have been given.
It's been a long road with major hurdles along the way but I am a loving, compassionate, caring, intelligent and beautiful person for what I have gone through and I feel blessed to have come out on the other side with positive gains.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Life is Moving Forward
I really want to get back into the habit of blogging at least every other day or so. That's my goal and intention.
So since May I have been dating a man named Nathan. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. He's sweet and honest and trustworthy and supportive and understanding. He's strong in his faith. He works hard and has excellent morals that he sticks to rather than simply talking about them. He gives me a pride in knowing that he is mine and that I'm his.
I did meet him on my lifestyle page. He's a daddy. Scratch that. He's MY daddy. He completes me in that area of my life as well.
I've never been happier in any time that I can recall nor have I ever been more sure of anything in my life that he is the one I want to be with forever.
We are planning our wedding. Yes, I know most of you will say "Whoa Whoa Whoa, isn't that fast?!" well, perhaps it is. Planning does not mean it's going to be tomorrow though.
We are also looking at houses and may have found 2-3 that we really like and are curious to see in person and have a walk through and showing. We've discussed things about living arrangements. I'm not sure if I will be living in our marital home alone prior to the wedding or not but it's a possibility that will be the case. I don't mind it too much. I pretty much lived alone for a while but I was never "really" alone. It's going to be interesting. I'm 26 now. I should be able to handle living in my own house.
I've been getting back to building a stronger relationship with my faith and allowing it to become a bigger part of my life. I have struggled in the past with having some doubt but that is no longer the case. I've even found a church that seems like each service is taken from my life. It's always so comfortable but yet so eloquent. I'm finding strength in Jesus.
Church this morning hit me hard.
The service was about creating a new self. Everyone wants to have a new them. It leads me to thoughts of my eating disorder days where all I wanted was to be anyone but me, to look any other way but how I did, to feel any other way than the deep dark emotional roller coaster trip I was on. I wanted to be someone else. I tried so many things that did damage to me. I made myself physically ill. I weakened my body and my mind during that time. I was so focused on the physical aspects of my unhappiness: guilt, shame, embarrassment, lack of self esteem and worth, that I didn't look deeper into what was bringing those feelings to surface. Looking inward and finding those triggers that made me feel like I was unworthy, or finding what made me feel like I should be ashamed or had something to feel guilty about would have been more helpful.
The pastor said that allowing Jesus into our hearts, into our lives and living the way that we should be living in accordance with his word and the gospel can give you a new life. It can make you new.
A big point he made was that someone could lose everything. Their world could fall apart at the seams and turn completely around and leave them desolate but looking to see where God is leading you, where you are being directed, what you are being directed to or away from is vital. Allowing God to lead you into the next stage and lead you into the new direction and the new situation and the new life is all you need to do to be able to be given the new you. Your new self is not something that is going to happen on your own. It's a gift, a way of life and a beautiful transformation that God gives to us. He has a plan. There is always a plan. We can't see it. We struggle through hardship after hardship and loss and pain and we wonder why is God doing this to me? Why am I being punished? It's to strengthen you, to lead you away from the dangers and misfortune that could be lurking in the path that you were on. He is leading you to a new light, a new way of life and accepting that is the first step on the path to happiness, holiness and joy.
It's important to remember that God loves you. He is your father. The way your biological father loves you- that is the way that God loves you. He wants what is best for you, wants you to succeed, wants you to make the right choices. When you make a mistake or you stray from the path he has given he does not look down on you with anger or hatred. He loves you. He is there to guide you back to the path. To be the light at the end of the tunnel. When you sin he does not hate you. He loves you, he knows that the sins are weaknesses to humanity. They happen to everyone. Each of us is a sinner in one way or another. We all have our faults. What saves us is God's forgiveness. Allowing ourselves to be weak and human, Allowing ourselves to be strong enough to say "Yes God! I have sinned.... and I'm sorry. Please forgive me for what I have done" There is strength in those who can admit to their issues and mistakes as well as ask forgiveness for their trespasses.
My new life has begun.
I have been given a gift. God has led me to a man of strength, faith, family, and one who is full of love for me. Someone who has brought my faith to a stronger point than it's ever been before. I'm grateful. I'm thankful. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. He is my rock, my leader, my friend, my strength, my daddy, and the man of my dreams. God gave him to me. As proof of his love for me. As reassurance that all is not lost. That love exists. That there are people in the world that will pull you up and bring you to the light when you have fallen so far down you forget what it looks like.
My life is changing. I am evolving. I am beautiful in God's eyes. And in the eyes of my Daddy.
So since May I have been dating a man named Nathan. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man. He's sweet and honest and trustworthy and supportive and understanding. He's strong in his faith. He works hard and has excellent morals that he sticks to rather than simply talking about them. He gives me a pride in knowing that he is mine and that I'm his.
I did meet him on my lifestyle page. He's a daddy. Scratch that. He's MY daddy. He completes me in that area of my life as well.
I've never been happier in any time that I can recall nor have I ever been more sure of anything in my life that he is the one I want to be with forever.
We are planning our wedding. Yes, I know most of you will say "Whoa Whoa Whoa, isn't that fast?!" well, perhaps it is. Planning does not mean it's going to be tomorrow though.
We are also looking at houses and may have found 2-3 that we really like and are curious to see in person and have a walk through and showing. We've discussed things about living arrangements. I'm not sure if I will be living in our marital home alone prior to the wedding or not but it's a possibility that will be the case. I don't mind it too much. I pretty much lived alone for a while but I was never "really" alone. It's going to be interesting. I'm 26 now. I should be able to handle living in my own house.
I've been getting back to building a stronger relationship with my faith and allowing it to become a bigger part of my life. I have struggled in the past with having some doubt but that is no longer the case. I've even found a church that seems like each service is taken from my life. It's always so comfortable but yet so eloquent. I'm finding strength in Jesus.
Church this morning hit me hard.
The service was about creating a new self. Everyone wants to have a new them. It leads me to thoughts of my eating disorder days where all I wanted was to be anyone but me, to look any other way but how I did, to feel any other way than the deep dark emotional roller coaster trip I was on. I wanted to be someone else. I tried so many things that did damage to me. I made myself physically ill. I weakened my body and my mind during that time. I was so focused on the physical aspects of my unhappiness: guilt, shame, embarrassment, lack of self esteem and worth, that I didn't look deeper into what was bringing those feelings to surface. Looking inward and finding those triggers that made me feel like I was unworthy, or finding what made me feel like I should be ashamed or had something to feel guilty about would have been more helpful.
The pastor said that allowing Jesus into our hearts, into our lives and living the way that we should be living in accordance with his word and the gospel can give you a new life. It can make you new.
A big point he made was that someone could lose everything. Their world could fall apart at the seams and turn completely around and leave them desolate but looking to see where God is leading you, where you are being directed, what you are being directed to or away from is vital. Allowing God to lead you into the next stage and lead you into the new direction and the new situation and the new life is all you need to do to be able to be given the new you. Your new self is not something that is going to happen on your own. It's a gift, a way of life and a beautiful transformation that God gives to us. He has a plan. There is always a plan. We can't see it. We struggle through hardship after hardship and loss and pain and we wonder why is God doing this to me? Why am I being punished? It's to strengthen you, to lead you away from the dangers and misfortune that could be lurking in the path that you were on. He is leading you to a new light, a new way of life and accepting that is the first step on the path to happiness, holiness and joy.
It's important to remember that God loves you. He is your father. The way your biological father loves you- that is the way that God loves you. He wants what is best for you, wants you to succeed, wants you to make the right choices. When you make a mistake or you stray from the path he has given he does not look down on you with anger or hatred. He loves you. He is there to guide you back to the path. To be the light at the end of the tunnel. When you sin he does not hate you. He loves you, he knows that the sins are weaknesses to humanity. They happen to everyone. Each of us is a sinner in one way or another. We all have our faults. What saves us is God's forgiveness. Allowing ourselves to be weak and human, Allowing ourselves to be strong enough to say "Yes God! I have sinned.... and I'm sorry. Please forgive me for what I have done" There is strength in those who can admit to their issues and mistakes as well as ask forgiveness for their trespasses.
My new life has begun.
I have been given a gift. God has led me to a man of strength, faith, family, and one who is full of love for me. Someone who has brought my faith to a stronger point than it's ever been before. I'm grateful. I'm thankful. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. He is my rock, my leader, my friend, my strength, my daddy, and the man of my dreams. God gave him to me. As proof of his love for me. As reassurance that all is not lost. That love exists. That there are people in the world that will pull you up and bring you to the light when you have fallen so far down you forget what it looks like.
My life is changing. I am evolving. I am beautiful in God's eyes. And in the eyes of my Daddy.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Recurrances that haunt me
There have been things that I can't seem to shake from my mind that have happened in the past. My psychologist calls them my "traumas" There have been a lot. The ones that are messing with my emotional well-being right now are when I was repeatedly molested in 8th and 9th grade and when I was raped in the winter of 2010.
I don't know if I've ever posted about those two incidents that shaped me and crushed me at the same time. I've been told to let it out. I have trouble doing that. I feel like if and when I let it out it consumes me. It breaks down the walls I've put up to protect myself and it crashes over me like waves. Tonight that pandora's box of twisted memories was opened. I feel like this is a good thing. Yes I'm sitting here a mess crying but you know what.. I was told there is nothing to be embarrassed about, ashamed of or afraid of anymore. I've kept it locked down inside of me for years. Both of them. I've tried so long to just move on. Normal people move on. People have bad things happen to them and they get over it. I want to know why I can't get over it. I want to know why it crosses my mind almost every day. Not in a flash back or anything but just a little reminder "You were raped" or "he's still out there".
I feel like I need to keep it to myself. That I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want their pity. I don't want the looks that tell me how damaged they think I am. They tend to hold me at arms length after they find out. They're afraid of me. People I thought loved me pulled away from me. When they find out I see a psychologist they say things like "oh.. the crazy doctor"....Yes.. if that makes me crazy for being raped. for being molested. For being demeaned, shamed, verbally and emotionally abused as a child, humiliated, taunted and hurt...then yes. If my witnessing someone commit suicide makes me crazy... then fine. Sometimes I just need to talk about it. I shove it so deep inside of me because I don't want people to look at me like I'm broken. ... even though there are times I feel absolutely shattered. I just for once want to be able to be open with someone and have them still see ...me...Sarah. ME. I'm still ME. I'm still ME . I'm still ME. It's still me. I'm still who I was. I'm still the same girl... only different. I'm still....me.
I recall seeing a meme on facebook floating around about how "One day there will be someone who comes to you who is so perfect who will see that you are broken and will hold you so tight that it sticks the pieces back together"
- I thought I wanted that. That I wanted someone to come along and show me that everything is alright and that things CAN be good and CAN be put back together. Then I started thinking about what my doctor told me "Don't look for someone to save you. You have to save yourself" At first I was taken aback by it. I wanted someone to save me. I needed someone to throw me a damn life preserver. I wondered am I strong enough to do it myself? My first reaction- Hell no. Hell no I'm not going to be able to pull myself out of this depression and the panic attacks and the fear. Why am I going to be alone again? Why do I have to be on my own? Then I realized I'm not alone. I'm not. I have my doctor. My friends. My Daddy. My family. and I'm gaining the tools to be able to put humpty dumpty back together again.
So here's the cat out of the bag::
8th grade into 9th I was going to church with my best friend at the time. We were part of the youth group and we attended "teen night" a lot. We thought we were big and bad because we were going out of town to church without our parents. A van would come around and pick up the kids who didn't live nearby and wanted to attend. So we rode in this huge van all through Canton and the surrounding areas.
There was an older guy riding with us. He was 19 at the time. I was 13 going on 14. He started by just resting his arm on my leg while we rode in the van. "WHOA this older guy is flirting with me? Is this what flirting is? God... this is weird... but kind of exciting"
Not so exciting when we were in a van full of people- and I mean people on the floor, people sitting on people. crowded as hell. And he started to finger me and grope me. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I told him to stop. He told me to shut up.
After it happened twice I told the pastor... they said they had received complaints about it in the past... they were going to move him to the adult group... They didn't. It happened again. I decided I was done with church. Church was messed up. They let me down. I saw the whole system as bad.
I thought leaving the church would mean I wouldn't never see him again.
When I started highschool he was there. He saw me. He pulled me out to him and he did it again while people were all standing around.
I told some of my male friends... the next day he was in the icu with broken legs... broken ribs... messed up face. Baseball bats aren't as soft as little girls bodies.
Winter of 2010 :::
I thought it was time to date after breaking up with a long time boyfriend. I made an account online on a dating site and decided to meet with this amazingly sweet and romantic cuban man. He was a pastor, he would drive to my house multiple times a day to give me a single red rose until I had a full dozen just to have an excuse to see me. He wrote me love letters. He actually sent them in the mail like it should be. All in all I thought he was a keeper.
The sex was always a little rough but I like it that way. All in all it was normal run of the mill sex but harder, faster and sometimes he would slap me or cover my mouth with his hands. All fine with me. Consentual.
He had been trying to get me to let him take me anally. I said no. I wasn't ready. He was rather big. I was scared...sue me.
He asked again and I told him no. I'm not ready for that.
One night he took me to his office. He hadn't seen me in two weeks and said he had been busy. He had some work to do and some filing and typing and wanted to know if I wanted to come spend some time with him while he did it. Of course!
He took me to the church and we were talking and he told me to sit in the corner and be quiet while he worked and then afterwards we would talk and catch up. He just had to focus for like 15 minutes. ok.
So I'm quietly sitting waiting for him to do his paperwork when he comes over and says "All done mi princesa!" yay! so now we can talk.
Nope no talking.
He shoves me to the couch and I'm freaking out "What are you doing??" and he said "Don't worry about it" I can still hear it in my head. The voice and the accent and the words.
I said "Hey, no, what are you doing" and tried to get up or at least turn around so I wasn't bend over the couch.
He shoved me harder down and told me "Just be calm, baby. It's going to be okay"
then he pulled my panties to the side and shoved himself inside of my ass. No warning, no lube, no asking, no warm up. and most of all I had told him previously NO on many occassions.
I remember telling him to stop and to take it out. It gets a little blurry around that. I think I blocked it out. I remember when he was done he said "Thanks babe" Slapped me on my sore ass and said "You helped me fill a fantasy tonight".
I didn't say another word.
He took me home.
My underwear was filled with blood.
I threw them away.
I never reported it.
I tried to convice myself that wasn't rape. I tried to convince myself that it was just sex... rough sex that hurt. That he was a man and they get what they want.
Then I realized what had really happened.
I was ashamed that I put myself in that position. Ashamed that I didn't fight harder. Ashamed I didn't report it. Ashamed I held in inside of me for three years and never said a word to even my own mom.
A lot of my sexual abuse has resulted in shame and guilt. But really... should I be ashamed? Am I guilty?
I don't know if I've ever posted about those two incidents that shaped me and crushed me at the same time. I've been told to let it out. I have trouble doing that. I feel like if and when I let it out it consumes me. It breaks down the walls I've put up to protect myself and it crashes over me like waves. Tonight that pandora's box of twisted memories was opened. I feel like this is a good thing. Yes I'm sitting here a mess crying but you know what.. I was told there is nothing to be embarrassed about, ashamed of or afraid of anymore. I've kept it locked down inside of me for years. Both of them. I've tried so long to just move on. Normal people move on. People have bad things happen to them and they get over it. I want to know why I can't get over it. I want to know why it crosses my mind almost every day. Not in a flash back or anything but just a little reminder "You were raped" or "he's still out there".
I feel like I need to keep it to myself. That I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want their pity. I don't want the looks that tell me how damaged they think I am. They tend to hold me at arms length after they find out. They're afraid of me. People I thought loved me pulled away from me. When they find out I see a psychologist they say things like "oh.. the crazy doctor"....Yes.. if that makes me crazy for being raped. for being molested. For being demeaned, shamed, verbally and emotionally abused as a child, humiliated, taunted and hurt...then yes. If my witnessing someone commit suicide makes me crazy... then fine. Sometimes I just need to talk about it. I shove it so deep inside of me because I don't want people to look at me like I'm broken. ... even though there are times I feel absolutely shattered. I just for once want to be able to be open with someone and have them still see ...me...Sarah. ME. I'm still ME. I'm still ME . I'm still ME. It's still me. I'm still who I was. I'm still the same girl... only different. I'm still....me.
I recall seeing a meme on facebook floating around about how "One day there will be someone who comes to you who is so perfect who will see that you are broken and will hold you so tight that it sticks the pieces back together"
- I thought I wanted that. That I wanted someone to come along and show me that everything is alright and that things CAN be good and CAN be put back together. Then I started thinking about what my doctor told me "Don't look for someone to save you. You have to save yourself" At first I was taken aback by it. I wanted someone to save me. I needed someone to throw me a damn life preserver. I wondered am I strong enough to do it myself? My first reaction- Hell no. Hell no I'm not going to be able to pull myself out of this depression and the panic attacks and the fear. Why am I going to be alone again? Why do I have to be on my own? Then I realized I'm not alone. I'm not. I have my doctor. My friends. My Daddy. My family. and I'm gaining the tools to be able to put humpty dumpty back together again.
So here's the cat out of the bag::
8th grade into 9th I was going to church with my best friend at the time. We were part of the youth group and we attended "teen night" a lot. We thought we were big and bad because we were going out of town to church without our parents. A van would come around and pick up the kids who didn't live nearby and wanted to attend. So we rode in this huge van all through Canton and the surrounding areas.
There was an older guy riding with us. He was 19 at the time. I was 13 going on 14. He started by just resting his arm on my leg while we rode in the van. "WHOA this older guy is flirting with me? Is this what flirting is? God... this is weird... but kind of exciting"
Not so exciting when we were in a van full of people- and I mean people on the floor, people sitting on people. crowded as hell. And he started to finger me and grope me. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I told him to stop. He told me to shut up.
After it happened twice I told the pastor... they said they had received complaints about it in the past... they were going to move him to the adult group... They didn't. It happened again. I decided I was done with church. Church was messed up. They let me down. I saw the whole system as bad.
I thought leaving the church would mean I wouldn't never see him again.
When I started highschool he was there. He saw me. He pulled me out to him and he did it again while people were all standing around.
I told some of my male friends... the next day he was in the icu with broken legs... broken ribs... messed up face. Baseball bats aren't as soft as little girls bodies.
Winter of 2010 :::
I thought it was time to date after breaking up with a long time boyfriend. I made an account online on a dating site and decided to meet with this amazingly sweet and romantic cuban man. He was a pastor, he would drive to my house multiple times a day to give me a single red rose until I had a full dozen just to have an excuse to see me. He wrote me love letters. He actually sent them in the mail like it should be. All in all I thought he was a keeper.
The sex was always a little rough but I like it that way. All in all it was normal run of the mill sex but harder, faster and sometimes he would slap me or cover my mouth with his hands. All fine with me. Consentual.
He had been trying to get me to let him take me anally. I said no. I wasn't ready. He was rather big. I was scared...sue me.
He asked again and I told him no. I'm not ready for that.
One night he took me to his office. He hadn't seen me in two weeks and said he had been busy. He had some work to do and some filing and typing and wanted to know if I wanted to come spend some time with him while he did it. Of course!
He took me to the church and we were talking and he told me to sit in the corner and be quiet while he worked and then afterwards we would talk and catch up. He just had to focus for like 15 minutes. ok.
So I'm quietly sitting waiting for him to do his paperwork when he comes over and says "All done mi princesa!" yay! so now we can talk.
Nope no talking.
He shoves me to the couch and I'm freaking out "What are you doing??" and he said "Don't worry about it" I can still hear it in my head. The voice and the accent and the words.
I said "Hey, no, what are you doing" and tried to get up or at least turn around so I wasn't bend over the couch.
He shoved me harder down and told me "Just be calm, baby. It's going to be okay"
then he pulled my panties to the side and shoved himself inside of my ass. No warning, no lube, no asking, no warm up. and most of all I had told him previously NO on many occassions.
I remember telling him to stop and to take it out. It gets a little blurry around that. I think I blocked it out. I remember when he was done he said "Thanks babe" Slapped me on my sore ass and said "You helped me fill a fantasy tonight".
I didn't say another word.
He took me home.
My underwear was filled with blood.
I threw them away.
I never reported it.
I tried to convice myself that wasn't rape. I tried to convince myself that it was just sex... rough sex that hurt. That he was a man and they get what they want.
Then I realized what had really happened.
I was ashamed that I put myself in that position. Ashamed that I didn't fight harder. Ashamed I didn't report it. Ashamed I held in inside of me for three years and never said a word to even my own mom.
A lot of my sexual abuse has resulted in shame and guilt. But really... should I be ashamed? Am I guilty?
Wednesday HHD!
That's right, folks! It's hump day.
Being as it's hump day lets talk about the events of today in fetish land shall we?
I got another message from a guy I used to know in highschool who found me on a website I use. He offered me 75-100 dollars to give him a blowjob. I'm wondering where he got the idea in his twisted little head that I'm some kind of prostitute. He began by asking if I had ever been paid for oral sex. I told him no and asked why he would ask me something like that. He told me he would be willing to pay me. I have no interest in doing that. Period. But curiousity got the best of me. I guess we would all want to know what we would be "worth" in the sack, right? Just me? Maybe. So I asked what it would be worth to him. He told me 75-100. I told him that's nice but I have a Daddy and I can't do that. He then responded telling me to get permission to get a mouthful of his cum. I told him to contact my Daddy. I didn't want to hear about it anymore or deal with it. It seems the more I tell people I can't do anything with them the harder they push. He's not the only one who does that either.
As a submissive woman in her mid 20's it's hard to find respect in the world of bdsm sometimes. I have my Daddy to protect me and my best friend who serves as protector and who both have stepped up to the plate when I needed them. I adore them more than either of them could possibly know. They are two strong, dominant and stunningly diverse men who have the biggest hearts of any people I have ever encountered. I would trust them both with my life. I know nothing bad would ever happen to me in their care and under their watch. They simply wouldn't allow it and would certainly never be the cause of it if there was any way to avoid it.
Emotionally today has been a good day. A little worried in the afternoon after a chat with a friend about becoming involved with men who have children. My Daddy has four beautiful children. Three sons and one sweet little girl. I was told my entering the picture will make them hate their father and hate me. The thought of having Daddy's children turn on him and loath him for leaving their mother or for dating another woman crushed me. It's something I hadn't thought out in my plans. I have given hours and hours of thought about what it would be like to suddenly step into the lives of 4 children (3 of them teens or preteens) and how difficult that would be. My first reaction and thought is to allow Daddy to handle all of those things. Daddy will be the one to dicipline, or make plans, or enforce things. They are his children. It's not my place for that. It's also been a tiny strange thought that there is the same age gap between me and Daddy and his oldest son and I. I'm smack dab in the middle of things.
I hate when people put a damper on my parade and stick things in my head that I just don't want in there. I guess those are things that DO need to be thought of, discussed and weighed apropriately but I didn't want to think about them today. I talked to Daddy about them and I feel better. He doesn't think the kids would turn on anyone. Which is reassuring to hear.
I feel like I either ate too much at dinner or it's just the birth control pills trying to kill me from the inside. I've been having horrible cramps. It feels like someone has taken a sledge hammer to my entire abdominal area. I'm on day 4 of the pack and it's been like that since day 1. It's also been making me feel really nauseated after I take them- not just for a little bit but for the entire day until I wake up the next morning and then I take them in the afternoon and it starts again. I hate birth control.
Being as it's hump day lets talk about the events of today in fetish land shall we?
I got another message from a guy I used to know in highschool who found me on a website I use. He offered me 75-100 dollars to give him a blowjob. I'm wondering where he got the idea in his twisted little head that I'm some kind of prostitute. He began by asking if I had ever been paid for oral sex. I told him no and asked why he would ask me something like that. He told me he would be willing to pay me. I have no interest in doing that. Period. But curiousity got the best of me. I guess we would all want to know what we would be "worth" in the sack, right? Just me? Maybe. So I asked what it would be worth to him. He told me 75-100. I told him that's nice but I have a Daddy and I can't do that. He then responded telling me to get permission to get a mouthful of his cum. I told him to contact my Daddy. I didn't want to hear about it anymore or deal with it. It seems the more I tell people I can't do anything with them the harder they push. He's not the only one who does that either.
As a submissive woman in her mid 20's it's hard to find respect in the world of bdsm sometimes. I have my Daddy to protect me and my best friend who serves as protector and who both have stepped up to the plate when I needed them. I adore them more than either of them could possibly know. They are two strong, dominant and stunningly diverse men who have the biggest hearts of any people I have ever encountered. I would trust them both with my life. I know nothing bad would ever happen to me in their care and under their watch. They simply wouldn't allow it and would certainly never be the cause of it if there was any way to avoid it.
Emotionally today has been a good day. A little worried in the afternoon after a chat with a friend about becoming involved with men who have children. My Daddy has four beautiful children. Three sons and one sweet little girl. I was told my entering the picture will make them hate their father and hate me. The thought of having Daddy's children turn on him and loath him for leaving their mother or for dating another woman crushed me. It's something I hadn't thought out in my plans. I have given hours and hours of thought about what it would be like to suddenly step into the lives of 4 children (3 of them teens or preteens) and how difficult that would be. My first reaction and thought is to allow Daddy to handle all of those things. Daddy will be the one to dicipline, or make plans, or enforce things. They are his children. It's not my place for that. It's also been a tiny strange thought that there is the same age gap between me and Daddy and his oldest son and I. I'm smack dab in the middle of things.
I hate when people put a damper on my parade and stick things in my head that I just don't want in there. I guess those are things that DO need to be thought of, discussed and weighed apropriately but I didn't want to think about them today. I talked to Daddy about them and I feel better. He doesn't think the kids would turn on anyone. Which is reassuring to hear.
I feel like I either ate too much at dinner or it's just the birth control pills trying to kill me from the inside. I've been having horrible cramps. It feels like someone has taken a sledge hammer to my entire abdominal area. I'm on day 4 of the pack and it's been like that since day 1. It's also been making me feel really nauseated after I take them- not just for a little bit but for the entire day until I wake up the next morning and then I take them in the afternoon and it starts again. I hate birth control.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
The Return of The Lavender Ink
It's been suggested that after going through some trauma recently I should begin keeping a journal or blog again. I've been going to therapy for a few months now and I feel like it's helping to a point. I was referred for psychological evaluation and assistance after I told my doctor I was depressed and she started me on Citalopram. I had been on Citalopram for a few years prior and it worked in the past in stabling out my mood.
When I went on it this time it didn't have the same effect. Not in the least. A few days after taking it I couldn't tell a difference. No biggie, I mean it takes a while to build up in the system. Three weeks later and I wasn't leaving my room. Every thought in my head was about how worthless I was. What a horrible awful person I am and most of all what a complete burden I am on people. It then turned to "Well... people would be better off without me. They wouldn't need to deal with me or my problems or my bills or anything else that I seem to dump and radiate from my being"
I made a plan to commit suicide if I had not become a better person by my birthday in June. I had planned on taking all of the pills I could get my hands on and just letting it take me over. I also planned to starve and dehydrate myself to make sure my body was weaker and less able to handle an overdose.
I told my doctor when she asked how I was doing that I was having severe suicidal thoughts because although I was having them and a voice inside of me wanted to end it I didn't want to die and I didn't want to end my own life. It was a battle inside of me that took me to the darkest depths I had reached in my life. We switched my medication over to Effexor (way more expensive) and suddenly POW no more suicidal thoughts, no more depression at all actually and I began seeing my psychologist.
In 2013 I ended my relationship with my fiance. He stole 10,000 dollars from me and tried to ruin my credit by stealing my credit cards and opening other ones without permission as well as draining all my accounts. I filed with the police and they helped me recover about 1/3 of the damages though none of the cash and he ended up paying off the smaller things that he did. They wouldn't follow through with pressing charges on him because the cards were settled and I felt very betrayed by the system.
Around the same time I was in and out of the hospital. What I thought was a stomach flu lasted 4 months. I was in the bathroom every 5 minutes and was terrified to eat anything becase it seemed like everything made it worse. I went to several doctors. They put me on a bland diet- toast, bananas, rice, jello, stuff like that and it went haywire and landed me in the hospital for dehydration after I lost 15 pounds. I was sent to a gastroenterologist and was diagnosed with celiac disease. I was told to go off of all gluten. Instantly better.No more panicked trips to the bathroom- no more pain. I wanted to test it out to see if maybe it was a fluke. I ate some food with gluten and was horribly sick shortly after.
I wondered if it was all in my head. That I was sick because I expected to be sick. I tested again on a low stress day and was fine- a few more times with no reaction and I was back to eating gluteny items. It was then decided that it was caused by extreme stress. Go figure ... my fiance was robbing me blind, my work was threatening my job for missing so many days and I worked in a daycare with toddlers and infants and a coworker who was out to cause me trouble and dealing with a mother who was having health issues.
I moved back home in September of 2013 and I haven't had any more problems with that. Only from the general things I've always had- no grease and monitor dairy due to my lactose intolerance. I can handle that. I've had both issues since my first round of the war with the parade of eating disorders that seem to prance in and out of my life.
In other news... I've entered into the world of BDSM. Yes that seedy underground your mother always warned you about... and it's been wonderful. I've always had kink and fetishes that I thought were wrong to have. I thought "normal" people don't think like that. Especially not those who have been victims of sexual abuse in the past like I have. Guess what? It's normal. It's fine. And it makes me happy.
I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man who is my Daddy in a Daddy/Babygirl relationship. We are long distance for the time being but I do plan on changing that as soon as humanly possible which is looking like I'm going to have to wait until at least fall or winter. The idea of waiting sucks. I'm an impatient person and I love him. Being that I love him I want to be with him and near him and be able to make him happy. Let alone the fact that I want to have sex with him. It's been a while.. a long while... Not that life revolves around sex but it's been too long haha.
I'm looking at relocating to Connecticut to be with him. It's away from my family which is going to be hard on me. Both of my parents have a lot of medical problems and it makes me worried to be far from them with everything that keeps happening between my father's cancer and my mom's seizures and my closest cousin is also dealing with recurring non hodgekins lymphoma right now. It's been a rollercoaster of chemo, radiation, bone marrow transplants and days both good and bad.
I'm trying to get a grasp on my health and weight and try not to fall back into binging or starvation or purging. I'm on a medically supervised 1200 calorie a day diet and supposed to work out daily. Anything higher than 1200 and I gain weight. Which makes no sense to me logically speaking. I feel it is a real possibility that I ruined my metabolism with my eating disorders. That added to the fact I was on a medication that has now been proven to cause "dramatic and permenant weight gain". I don't like thinking of this as being a permenant situation. I'm determined not to let that be the end all be all of this fight.
My goal weight is 200 or to be under 200. It depends on what I think when I get there. Which is currently one heck of a journey being at 312. I began at 340 in 2013. Let the battles begin again! This time I have a wonderful man in my corner... half-hearted support along with the usual intense shame, criticism and general displeasure form my family. That's a whole different post though.
I'll be posting frequently and hope some of my readers are still around out there in cyberspace some where. I miss you all very much!
When I went on it this time it didn't have the same effect. Not in the least. A few days after taking it I couldn't tell a difference. No biggie, I mean it takes a while to build up in the system. Three weeks later and I wasn't leaving my room. Every thought in my head was about how worthless I was. What a horrible awful person I am and most of all what a complete burden I am on people. It then turned to "Well... people would be better off without me. They wouldn't need to deal with me or my problems or my bills or anything else that I seem to dump and radiate from my being"
I made a plan to commit suicide if I had not become a better person by my birthday in June. I had planned on taking all of the pills I could get my hands on and just letting it take me over. I also planned to starve and dehydrate myself to make sure my body was weaker and less able to handle an overdose.
I told my doctor when she asked how I was doing that I was having severe suicidal thoughts because although I was having them and a voice inside of me wanted to end it I didn't want to die and I didn't want to end my own life. It was a battle inside of me that took me to the darkest depths I had reached in my life. We switched my medication over to Effexor (way more expensive) and suddenly POW no more suicidal thoughts, no more depression at all actually and I began seeing my psychologist.
In 2013 I ended my relationship with my fiance. He stole 10,000 dollars from me and tried to ruin my credit by stealing my credit cards and opening other ones without permission as well as draining all my accounts. I filed with the police and they helped me recover about 1/3 of the damages though none of the cash and he ended up paying off the smaller things that he did. They wouldn't follow through with pressing charges on him because the cards were settled and I felt very betrayed by the system.
Around the same time I was in and out of the hospital. What I thought was a stomach flu lasted 4 months. I was in the bathroom every 5 minutes and was terrified to eat anything becase it seemed like everything made it worse. I went to several doctors. They put me on a bland diet- toast, bananas, rice, jello, stuff like that and it went haywire and landed me in the hospital for dehydration after I lost 15 pounds. I was sent to a gastroenterologist and was diagnosed with celiac disease. I was told to go off of all gluten. Instantly better.No more panicked trips to the bathroom- no more pain. I wanted to test it out to see if maybe it was a fluke. I ate some food with gluten and was horribly sick shortly after.
I wondered if it was all in my head. That I was sick because I expected to be sick. I tested again on a low stress day and was fine- a few more times with no reaction and I was back to eating gluteny items. It was then decided that it was caused by extreme stress. Go figure ... my fiance was robbing me blind, my work was threatening my job for missing so many days and I worked in a daycare with toddlers and infants and a coworker who was out to cause me trouble and dealing with a mother who was having health issues.
I moved back home in September of 2013 and I haven't had any more problems with that. Only from the general things I've always had- no grease and monitor dairy due to my lactose intolerance. I can handle that. I've had both issues since my first round of the war with the parade of eating disorders that seem to prance in and out of my life.
In other news... I've entered into the world of BDSM. Yes that seedy underground your mother always warned you about... and it's been wonderful. I've always had kink and fetishes that I thought were wrong to have. I thought "normal" people don't think like that. Especially not those who have been victims of sexual abuse in the past like I have. Guess what? It's normal. It's fine. And it makes me happy.
I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man who is my Daddy in a Daddy/Babygirl relationship. We are long distance for the time being but I do plan on changing that as soon as humanly possible which is looking like I'm going to have to wait until at least fall or winter. The idea of waiting sucks. I'm an impatient person and I love him. Being that I love him I want to be with him and near him and be able to make him happy. Let alone the fact that I want to have sex with him. It's been a while.. a long while... Not that life revolves around sex but it's been too long haha.
I'm looking at relocating to Connecticut to be with him. It's away from my family which is going to be hard on me. Both of my parents have a lot of medical problems and it makes me worried to be far from them with everything that keeps happening between my father's cancer and my mom's seizures and my closest cousin is also dealing with recurring non hodgekins lymphoma right now. It's been a rollercoaster of chemo, radiation, bone marrow transplants and days both good and bad.
I'm trying to get a grasp on my health and weight and try not to fall back into binging or starvation or purging. I'm on a medically supervised 1200 calorie a day diet and supposed to work out daily. Anything higher than 1200 and I gain weight. Which makes no sense to me logically speaking. I feel it is a real possibility that I ruined my metabolism with my eating disorders. That added to the fact I was on a medication that has now been proven to cause "dramatic and permenant weight gain". I don't like thinking of this as being a permenant situation. I'm determined not to let that be the end all be all of this fight.
My goal weight is 200 or to be under 200. It depends on what I think when I get there. Which is currently one heck of a journey being at 312. I began at 340 in 2013. Let the battles begin again! This time I have a wonderful man in my corner... half-hearted support along with the usual intense shame, criticism and general displeasure form my family. That's a whole different post though.
I'll be posting frequently and hope some of my readers are still around out there in cyberspace some where. I miss you all very much!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
August Changes
The month of August should be interesting and I'm going to be pushing myself to higher and higher levels of fitness and happiness.
Tomorrow starts a step challenge with a group of ladies I met online. We all put in 5 dollars and whoever has the most steps by the end of the month will win all of the money (right now its about 25 dollars... but hey its motivation!). I also start a weight loss challenge with a group on mfp. We all paid 10 dollars (big money people) and whoever loses the most amount of weight will win all of the money (140 dollars). My fiance and I are both in this challenge and I'm hoping one of us will win.. of course I hope its me... but I also hope he wins too for him. My third challenge of the month is that I've joined Row the World on mfp again. Last time I was full swing in a bulimia cycle and was burning off every calorie I put in my mouth and more. I'm not currently and I'm hoping that although my burns are not as high that I will still be valued by my team.
I really want to prove myself and prove to myself that I CAN do it. Lately, it's been difficult to feel like it's even possible. I'm trying to keep positive.
Well, stress went up a bit. My wedding date moved from Sept. 21st 2013 to June 15th 2013. It's only a few months change but that is a few less months to plan and prepare and of course... to lose weight. I refuse. Flat out REFUSE to be an OBESE and JIGGLING BRIDE. no way in hell is that going to happen.
So here is the plan- I will be down over 100 pounds by the wedding. If I don't keep on track with my goals I will be punished. The end of that.
Bright side!
Today I found out that my work has been chosen for publication and will be published next month. I am beyond excited as this is the first time since college that I've been published and it makes me feel proud. Proud is something I don't get to be too often and it's something I cherish. I want to make it a big deal but then I don't want to make it look pathetic. All I can say is that I'm excited about it, proud of myself and thankful to have found someone who appreciates something that came from my heart.
Also, I will be getting married in my grandmothers church. It was important to me to start my married life there because growing up I always imagined she would be there with me. She passed several years ago and although I know being married in her church won't change anything it's sort of my way of having her close to me. It's going to be about 750 dollars to have the wedding ceremony there. 170 for the reception hall, 300 for the cake, 400 for food, 400 for my dress, 200 for tux, about 200 for decorations, 100 for invitations, 30 for stamps, the fee for our license, 150 for bridal accessories (guest book, card holders, flower girl basket, ring pillow, etc). And I'm praying we can afford it some how.
Mikes sister is also getting married- but after us, and everyone is so obsessed with her wedding that no one is taking notice or helping with ours. I have to say I'm a little jealous. They are all paying for her wedding and helping her plan while we are on our own both financially and planning wise. My mother and father are planning to help as much as they can but with my father being laid off for nearly 3 years now it's not looking like they will be able to help much and I completely understand that. I'm just stressed.
Today we had our cake tasting which involved me eating german chocolate cake, white cake with strawberry filling and lemon cake with lemon filling. OINK but it fit in my calories for the day... because I made it and I walked for over an hour.
Shooting for 10,000 or more steps daily. EVERY DAY.
Tomorrow starts a step challenge with a group of ladies I met online. We all put in 5 dollars and whoever has the most steps by the end of the month will win all of the money (right now its about 25 dollars... but hey its motivation!). I also start a weight loss challenge with a group on mfp. We all paid 10 dollars (big money people) and whoever loses the most amount of weight will win all of the money (140 dollars). My fiance and I are both in this challenge and I'm hoping one of us will win.. of course I hope its me... but I also hope he wins too for him. My third challenge of the month is that I've joined Row the World on mfp again. Last time I was full swing in a bulimia cycle and was burning off every calorie I put in my mouth and more. I'm not currently and I'm hoping that although my burns are not as high that I will still be valued by my team.
I really want to prove myself and prove to myself that I CAN do it. Lately, it's been difficult to feel like it's even possible. I'm trying to keep positive.
Well, stress went up a bit. My wedding date moved from Sept. 21st 2013 to June 15th 2013. It's only a few months change but that is a few less months to plan and prepare and of course... to lose weight. I refuse. Flat out REFUSE to be an OBESE and JIGGLING BRIDE. no way in hell is that going to happen.
So here is the plan- I will be down over 100 pounds by the wedding. If I don't keep on track with my goals I will be punished. The end of that.
Bright side!
Today I found out that my work has been chosen for publication and will be published next month. I am beyond excited as this is the first time since college that I've been published and it makes me feel proud. Proud is something I don't get to be too often and it's something I cherish. I want to make it a big deal but then I don't want to make it look pathetic. All I can say is that I'm excited about it, proud of myself and thankful to have found someone who appreciates something that came from my heart.
Also, I will be getting married in my grandmothers church. It was important to me to start my married life there because growing up I always imagined she would be there with me. She passed several years ago and although I know being married in her church won't change anything it's sort of my way of having her close to me. It's going to be about 750 dollars to have the wedding ceremony there. 170 for the reception hall, 300 for the cake, 400 for food, 400 for my dress, 200 for tux, about 200 for decorations, 100 for invitations, 30 for stamps, the fee for our license, 150 for bridal accessories (guest book, card holders, flower girl basket, ring pillow, etc). And I'm praying we can afford it some how.
Mikes sister is also getting married- but after us, and everyone is so obsessed with her wedding that no one is taking notice or helping with ours. I have to say I'm a little jealous. They are all paying for her wedding and helping her plan while we are on our own both financially and planning wise. My mother and father are planning to help as much as they can but with my father being laid off for nearly 3 years now it's not looking like they will be able to help much and I completely understand that. I'm just stressed.
Today we had our cake tasting which involved me eating german chocolate cake, white cake with strawberry filling and lemon cake with lemon filling. OINK but it fit in my calories for the day... because I made it and I walked for over an hour.
Shooting for 10,000 or more steps daily. EVERY DAY.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Calories from Hell
Dramatic as the title sounds- it's true!
I can't figure out the way to balance my calories. It should be as easy as creating a deficit and losing weight. But, sadly that is no where near the case.
Last year my doctor told me I needed to be on 1200 calories per day, no more no less. Well, right now I'm having difficulty sticking to that. I use a calorie counting fitness site (http://www.myfitnesspal.com/) and their reccomendation for someone my height and weight is to have an intake of 2150. The space between the two is what is causing me so much unease. I don't know which to follow. Everyone keeps telling me that 1200 is too low (I generally also burn around 500-800 calories) and my doctor does not want me to eat back my calories.
Part of me is like yes! a reason to eat less!
The other part is like "I can't possibly get back down to eating that small of an amount.
Currently I'm getting between 1000-2400 calories a day. On higher calorie days its most likely that I binged or made very bad choices (the fiance and I keep hitting up the fast food places). I'm so stuck and I can't keep doing this. I'm ready to just break down and I don't know what will happen when I do.
I can't figure out the way to balance my calories. It should be as easy as creating a deficit and losing weight. But, sadly that is no where near the case.
Last year my doctor told me I needed to be on 1200 calories per day, no more no less. Well, right now I'm having difficulty sticking to that. I use a calorie counting fitness site (http://www.myfitnesspal.com/) and their reccomendation for someone my height and weight is to have an intake of 2150. The space between the two is what is causing me so much unease. I don't know which to follow. Everyone keeps telling me that 1200 is too low (I generally also burn around 500-800 calories) and my doctor does not want me to eat back my calories.
Part of me is like yes! a reason to eat less!
The other part is like "I can't possibly get back down to eating that small of an amount.
Currently I'm getting between 1000-2400 calories a day. On higher calorie days its most likely that I binged or made very bad choices (the fiance and I keep hitting up the fast food places). I'm so stuck and I can't keep doing this. I'm ready to just break down and I don't know what will happen when I do.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Re-evaluation
So the emergency room said that my mother needs to see her family doctor within the next few days. She had her first appointment yesterday and they went through all the symptoms and what has been going on lately and they don't agree with the emergency room doctors. Frankly, I didn't agree with the theory that stress was shutting down her body to release either.
Our doctor said that there is no doubt in her mind that my mother is having seizures. The emergency room said that she probably wasn't and it sounded like thats just what happens when people pass out. When people pass out I think of them as going limp not as stiffening up and jerking or rocking.
Friday afternoon she is going back to the doctor and they are doing and EEG and a mammogram. I don't know if the mammogram is related or not or perhaps it was just time to do another one. So that's the update on my mom for now.
Dieting::
Yesterday I barely broke 1000 calories. I didn't mean for this to happen really. I had 4 eggs with a little cheese and ketchup for breakfast. A chicken salad sandwich and mixed vegetables at work and a cup of hamburger helper lasagna when I got home. I even had a can of mt. dew (empty calories) to try to bring it up a little more. After logging my walking ( I don't log any other physical activity and I've been very active lately) I barely had 300 net calories.
Today I don't know what the plan is aside from dinner- For dinner I'm making mashed potatoes and peppercorn pork loin and corn or peas. Its 12:30 and I haven't eaten anything yet. I'll grab something before I head to the grocery store though. I don't go into work today until 6pm. Only 4 hours today. Shrug. I get to see mike today so I guess its not too bad.
Our doctor said that there is no doubt in her mind that my mother is having seizures. The emergency room said that she probably wasn't and it sounded like thats just what happens when people pass out. When people pass out I think of them as going limp not as stiffening up and jerking or rocking.
Friday afternoon she is going back to the doctor and they are doing and EEG and a mammogram. I don't know if the mammogram is related or not or perhaps it was just time to do another one. So that's the update on my mom for now.
Dieting::
Yesterday I barely broke 1000 calories. I didn't mean for this to happen really. I had 4 eggs with a little cheese and ketchup for breakfast. A chicken salad sandwich and mixed vegetables at work and a cup of hamburger helper lasagna when I got home. I even had a can of mt. dew (empty calories) to try to bring it up a little more. After logging my walking ( I don't log any other physical activity and I've been very active lately) I barely had 300 net calories.
Today I don't know what the plan is aside from dinner- For dinner I'm making mashed potatoes and peppercorn pork loin and corn or peas. Its 12:30 and I haven't eaten anything yet. I'll grab something before I head to the grocery store though. I don't go into work today until 6pm. Only 4 hours today. Shrug. I get to see mike today so I guess its not too bad.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Emergency Visit
Today was a hard day in a lot of aspects. I woke up this morning and was depressed over money and student loans and the fear of not being able to make my payments and what would happen if I couldn't do that. I was talking to my mom (my go to person in real life when I need to complain and unload). I was talking about loans and money and how I'm going to live and die poor. She put her head down on the desk in a dramatic way and I was like oh yeah... I know I'm ridiculous right?
Well, she wasn't being dramatic. She had passed out and moments later she rose up with her back arched and she was snorting and gasping ( a sign that the heart is not pumping enough blood to allow the lungs to function properly) and began seizing. I grabbed her so she wouldn't fall to the floor and tried to snap her out of it. Normally these episodes are brief, lasting between 30 seconds and a minute. This one was over ten minutes long. Ten minutes of holding my mother while she stared into space and seized and couldn't catch air. Ten minutes of screaming her name and slapping her in the shoulders and chest to wake her up. Ten long minutes of my heart pounding so hard I thought it would explode. I screamed for my dad and he came in and just stood there watching her as I'm screaming in her face for her to wake up! Screaming MOM! MOM!!
Finally she snapped out of it and looked afraid and didn't know why we were standing around her looking so concerned and why I was bawling my eyes out. I latched onto her so hard she had to tell me I was hurting her and I let go and sat down and cried in the chair. As I sat down she started to heave and gag. I told dad to move everything off the trash can (she keeps her laptop and papers on it so the dog doesnt go in it) and he moved so slowly... but as soon as he got it off she began vomiting into the trash. She had not eaten anything and had only had coffee and she was mostly painfully dry heaving though she did get a lot up, this lasted a long time.
This is the third episode of fainting- second with seizing and first followed by vomiting.
We took her to the ER even though she couldn't remember what happened at all and thought it was no big deal. Trust me, it was a big deal and one of the scariest things I have seen happen to my mother. We got there at 1 and we were taken back quickly. They took her bp- 167/80 and her pulse 65 and her oxygen saturation was 97. They took a chest xray, a CT scan for her head (she admitted having vision trouble lately with sunbursts and having a recurring sharp pain in the back of her head). No tumors were found but they may need to check for any leakage. They took 6 vials of blood and tested her sugar. She had not eaten but had coffee with sugar and creamer- her sugar was 117 which they said was borderline high but ok. They said that it is very likely that she has been experiencing seizures and that they are supposedly stress related. Which I find difficult to swallow. Prior to each of the episodes she was calm- laughing- seated- playing a game or talking with family. She had no warning of the oncoming issue and was feeling perfectly fine and not stressed or ill. They said "she is not at a point where they are finding any immediate medical crisis that can be treated in the emergency room" and told her she needs to visit her GP in the next 2-4 days, eat a low sodium diet and get some rest. They gave no real explanations for what was happening and we still feel in the dark about the whole thing. So its going to be several thousand dollars that they dont have ... to find out that she has nothing they could treat her for. So.... no that doesn't add stress.... (sarcasm).
So I did not eat today until about 4:30pm and I snacked on stupid things like gummies and sherbert at my parents. When I went home michael cooked turkey burgers and I ate a pop tart and had a can of mt. dew. Normally I would eat better.... but I was on the verge of binge mode. I just wanted to shovel it all down and bury the events of today underneath piles of sugar and fat and fullness. But... since I have not "binged" in the real since in over a year.. my tummy wouldnt let me and I was super full. I ended around 1800 calories for the day. (supposed to try to shoot for 2000 but I dont know about that.)
STRESSFUL is not even the word for today. I'm terrified of leaving her side but I had to go back up to Akron for the work week. Worse, she doesn't know when it happens so I can't even ask her if anything has happened. She said the only way she knows is that she will be sitting there and next thing she knows she is just extremely tired or she is on the floor or a part of her is hurt. Dad is there with her but he sits in the livingroom and she sits in a room on the other side of the house where the computer is and plays her game most of the time. It's hard to hear when you holler through the house so it's impossible for him to hear her if she collapses again. (sigh). I'm at a loss of what to do. I feel so alone and helpless.
Well, she wasn't being dramatic. She had passed out and moments later she rose up with her back arched and she was snorting and gasping ( a sign that the heart is not pumping enough blood to allow the lungs to function properly) and began seizing. I grabbed her so she wouldn't fall to the floor and tried to snap her out of it. Normally these episodes are brief, lasting between 30 seconds and a minute. This one was over ten minutes long. Ten minutes of holding my mother while she stared into space and seized and couldn't catch air. Ten minutes of screaming her name and slapping her in the shoulders and chest to wake her up. Ten long minutes of my heart pounding so hard I thought it would explode. I screamed for my dad and he came in and just stood there watching her as I'm screaming in her face for her to wake up! Screaming MOM! MOM!!
Finally she snapped out of it and looked afraid and didn't know why we were standing around her looking so concerned and why I was bawling my eyes out. I latched onto her so hard she had to tell me I was hurting her and I let go and sat down and cried in the chair. As I sat down she started to heave and gag. I told dad to move everything off the trash can (she keeps her laptop and papers on it so the dog doesnt go in it) and he moved so slowly... but as soon as he got it off she began vomiting into the trash. She had not eaten anything and had only had coffee and she was mostly painfully dry heaving though she did get a lot up, this lasted a long time.
This is the third episode of fainting- second with seizing and first followed by vomiting.
We took her to the ER even though she couldn't remember what happened at all and thought it was no big deal. Trust me, it was a big deal and one of the scariest things I have seen happen to my mother. We got there at 1 and we were taken back quickly. They took her bp- 167/80 and her pulse 65 and her oxygen saturation was 97. They took a chest xray, a CT scan for her head (she admitted having vision trouble lately with sunbursts and having a recurring sharp pain in the back of her head). No tumors were found but they may need to check for any leakage. They took 6 vials of blood and tested her sugar. She had not eaten but had coffee with sugar and creamer- her sugar was 117 which they said was borderline high but ok. They said that it is very likely that she has been experiencing seizures and that they are supposedly stress related. Which I find difficult to swallow. Prior to each of the episodes she was calm- laughing- seated- playing a game or talking with family. She had no warning of the oncoming issue and was feeling perfectly fine and not stressed or ill. They said "she is not at a point where they are finding any immediate medical crisis that can be treated in the emergency room" and told her she needs to visit her GP in the next 2-4 days, eat a low sodium diet and get some rest. They gave no real explanations for what was happening and we still feel in the dark about the whole thing. So its going to be several thousand dollars that they dont have ... to find out that she has nothing they could treat her for. So.... no that doesn't add stress.... (sarcasm).
So I did not eat today until about 4:30pm and I snacked on stupid things like gummies and sherbert at my parents. When I went home michael cooked turkey burgers and I ate a pop tart and had a can of mt. dew. Normally I would eat better.... but I was on the verge of binge mode. I just wanted to shovel it all down and bury the events of today underneath piles of sugar and fat and fullness. But... since I have not "binged" in the real since in over a year.. my tummy wouldnt let me and I was super full. I ended around 1800 calories for the day. (supposed to try to shoot for 2000 but I dont know about that.)
STRESSFUL is not even the word for today. I'm terrified of leaving her side but I had to go back up to Akron for the work week. Worse, she doesn't know when it happens so I can't even ask her if anything has happened. She said the only way she knows is that she will be sitting there and next thing she knows she is just extremely tired or she is on the floor or a part of her is hurt. Dad is there with her but he sits in the livingroom and she sits in a room on the other side of the house where the computer is and plays her game most of the time. It's hard to hear when you holler through the house so it's impossible for him to hear her if she collapses again. (sigh). I'm at a loss of what to do. I feel so alone and helpless.
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