It's been suggested that after going through some trauma recently I should begin keeping a journal or blog again. I've been going to therapy for a few months now and I feel like it's helping to a point. I was referred for psychological evaluation and assistance after I told my doctor I was depressed and she started me on Citalopram. I had been on Citalopram for a few years prior and it worked in the past in stabling out my mood.
When I went on it this time it didn't have the same effect. Not in the least. A few days after taking it I couldn't tell a difference. No biggie, I mean it takes a while to build up in the system. Three weeks later and I wasn't leaving my room. Every thought in my head was about how worthless I was. What a horrible awful person I am and most of all what a complete burden I am on people. It then turned to "Well... people would be better off without me. They wouldn't need to deal with me or my problems or my bills or anything else that I seem to dump and radiate from my being"
I made a plan to commit suicide if I had not become a better person by my birthday in June. I had planned on taking all of the pills I could get my hands on and just letting it take me over. I also planned to starve and dehydrate myself to make sure my body was weaker and less able to handle an overdose.
I told my doctor when she asked how I was doing that I was having severe suicidal thoughts because although I was having them and a voice inside of me wanted to end it I didn't want to die and I didn't want to end my own life. It was a battle inside of me that took me to the darkest depths I had reached in my life. We switched my medication over to Effexor (way more expensive) and suddenly POW no more suicidal thoughts, no more depression at all actually and I began seeing my psychologist.
In 2013 I ended my relationship with my fiance. He stole 10,000 dollars from me and tried to ruin my credit by stealing my credit cards and opening other ones without permission as well as draining all my accounts. I filed with the police and they helped me recover about 1/3 of the damages though none of the cash and he ended up paying off the smaller things that he did. They wouldn't follow through with pressing charges on him because the cards were settled and I felt very betrayed by the system.
Around the same time I was in and out of the hospital. What I thought was a stomach flu lasted 4 months. I was in the bathroom every 5 minutes and was terrified to eat anything becase it seemed like everything made it worse. I went to several doctors. They put me on a bland diet- toast, bananas, rice, jello, stuff like that and it went haywire and landed me in the hospital for dehydration after I lost 15 pounds. I was sent to a gastroenterologist and was diagnosed with celiac disease. I was told to go off of all gluten. Instantly better.No more panicked trips to the bathroom- no more pain. I wanted to test it out to see if maybe it was a fluke. I ate some food with gluten and was horribly sick shortly after.
I wondered if it was all in my head. That I was sick because I expected to be sick. I tested again on a low stress day and was fine- a few more times with no reaction and I was back to eating gluteny items. It was then decided that it was caused by extreme stress. Go figure ... my fiance was robbing me blind, my work was threatening my job for missing so many days and I worked in a daycare with toddlers and infants and a coworker who was out to cause me trouble and dealing with a mother who was having health issues.
I moved back home in September of 2013 and I haven't had any more problems with that. Only from the general things I've always had- no grease and monitor dairy due to my lactose intolerance. I can handle that. I've had both issues since my first round of the war with the parade of eating disorders that seem to prance in and out of my life.
In other news... I've entered into the world of BDSM. Yes that seedy underground your mother always warned you about... and it's been wonderful. I've always had kink and fetishes that I thought were wrong to have. I thought "normal" people don't think like that. Especially not those who have been victims of sexual abuse in the past like I have. Guess what? It's normal. It's fine. And it makes me happy.
I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man who is my Daddy in a Daddy/Babygirl relationship. We are long distance for the time being but I do plan on changing that as soon as humanly possible which is looking like I'm going to have to wait until at least fall or winter. The idea of waiting sucks. I'm an impatient person and I love him. Being that I love him I want to be with him and near him and be able to make him happy. Let alone the fact that I want to have sex with him. It's been a while.. a long while... Not that life revolves around sex but it's been too long haha.
I'm looking at relocating to Connecticut to be with him. It's away from my family which is going to be hard on me. Both of my parents have a lot of medical problems and it makes me worried to be far from them with everything that keeps happening between my father's cancer and my mom's seizures and my closest cousin is also dealing with recurring non hodgekins lymphoma right now. It's been a rollercoaster of chemo, radiation, bone marrow transplants and days both good and bad.
I'm trying to get a grasp on my health and weight and try not to fall back into binging or starvation or purging. I'm on a medically supervised 1200 calorie a day diet and supposed to work out daily. Anything higher than 1200 and I gain weight. Which makes no sense to me logically speaking. I feel it is a real possibility that I ruined my metabolism with my eating disorders. That added to the fact I was on a medication that has now been proven to cause "dramatic and permenant weight gain". I don't like thinking of this as being a permenant situation. I'm determined not to let that be the end all be all of this fight.
My goal weight is 200 or to be under 200. It depends on what I think when I get there. Which is currently one heck of a journey being at 312. I began at 340 in 2013. Let the battles begin again! This time I have a wonderful man in my corner... half-hearted support along with the usual intense shame, criticism and general displeasure form my family. That's a whole different post though.
I'll be posting frequently and hope some of my readers are still around out there in cyberspace some where. I miss you all very much!
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