Coming here always makes me think of what used to be and where life has taken me now. Tonight I watched a documentary that is meant to lead people away from eating disorders and show how dangerous they are evening showing one of the stars dying from it.

I think it's incredibly sad that no matter how bad they portray it I miss it.

Tonight I was thinking about all of the things I am. One thing came to mind front and center: I am ana's worst fear.

I've grown to such a huge weight that I could be my own group of ana friends from my old site put together.

I miss it and I know I can't go back but I want to. I want to. I want to so badly.

A friend of mine from the site's blogger is gone and I wonder if she's recovered and what she's doing with her life now. I wonder if things are better than they were before and if she's found a way to get through it.

I like to think she did.

So many people are struggling to get out but I'm on the outside looking in.