Way to be!

So today is a giant fail-fest. Dinner was more calories than I would have been happy with plus I had some chocolate after dinner, I think I figured "Well the day is already ruined finish it out right you cow!" sooo... about a half hour later went and purged. annnd about a 20 minutes after that I went back and purged again to try to get more up.
So not only did I break the non-purging streak I also goofed with my bf.
I sent him an email intended to be a sweet email telling him how much I miss him and want to see him soon. In there was a weird comment about "I think I told the man I love how much I weigh and it may have concerned him enough that he is distancing himself from me until I fix the problem"
I got a text at 3am asking me WTH I am talking about. I feel really bad about it but it was true and was eating a hole through my mind the last week or so. I sincereley thought that since I told him my weight he was busy and was giving my room to fix it. I was so ashamed and felt that maybe he was ashamed of me too. I feel like he should be, that everyone should be. I know I am. To think that the man I love would be so shallow hurts because I know that's not who he is or how he thinks. I'm 25 pounds smaller than when we met and yet I still feel terrified that he will notice how fat I am and be horrified by me.
Sadly I was going to make a "On the Plus Side" section but legitimately nothing good happened today, nothing that is standing out... Come on now 'Cup Half Full' side of me, find something! - I'm in bed and my puppy is sleeping under the blankets with me with only her nose and one leg sticking out of the blanket and she is pretty darn cute. Cute puppies make the day better.

Oh and he said he hopes to see me tomorrow, but he said that the last 3 days and nada.
And still in my head its because I'm fat. Self-esteem needs to get better but instead it's getting constantly worse and the best part you may ask? I feel like I deserve it to get bad, to be miserable.